9 Carry on Wayward Road, Then There Was Light
by skyyador
Summary: normal trigger warnings, abuse, rape, language, suicidal ideation. This story is a little less dark, and filled with more light than the others. for those of you who think i've been too hard on John, this will help ease things over. The boys never had an easy life, but what if dean saw things from a different perspective than he had the rest of his life? EDITED minor corrections
1. Chapter 1

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 1

"Dean!"

Dean heard Sam's scream first, then everything around him went completely black, the darkness was back. In a second's time a flash of bright, white light shocked the darkness around him. The screams and pain in his head was gone, replaced by the blinding light that felt like it was burning his eyes.

Dean, closed his eyes as tight as he could, followed by a scream. Then he collapsed to the ground.

Everything went blank. He was floating, in an endless space of white emptiness. His body laid, motionless on the ground, his soul, gone, floating away from the darkness that once held it in its grips.

 _The air was clear. Dean felt like he could breath with no problems. The peacefulness was overwhelming. The silence, was welcomed. The screaming had stopped. The pain, gone. Dean was floating on a cloud of light._

 _He floated past an image, a memory._

 _He was just a little boy. Maybe 3 years old. He was at the park with his mom. She was pushing him on a swing while he giggled. Dad had just got off work, Dean jumped from the moving swing as soon as he saw him._

" _Daddy!" He ran to into his dad's arms, being lifted into the air._

" _Hey there buddy, you and Mom playing?"_

" _Yes!" Dean announced with a huge grin across his face._

 _Mary had walked up beside them, rubbed her hand across Dean's back and gave John a kiss. "How was work today?"_

" _It was a busy day, but it's all good now that I'm back with my family!"_

 _Dean hugged his arms around his dad's neck._

" _Someone has been waiting for his dad to go down the slide with him." Mary announced._

" _They have? And who would that be?"_

" _ME, Daddy!" Dean giggled._

" _You? Well then, what do you say you and me go down the slide together?"_

" _Yayyyy!"_

 _Dean laughed and giggled the rest of the day, wrapping his little arms around his daddy's neck on the way back home._

 _Dean floated away from that image. He didn't want to leave it, he wanted to stay in that memory forever. But, he continued to float in the feeling of peacefulness._

 _Passing another image of a memory of him being young, enjoying the perfect Mom and the perfect Dad. He kissed his mommy's tummy, loving on his little brother. The feeling of excitement waiting for his baby brother to enter the world._

 _Floating past that image he saw another one, the day little Sammy was born. He was so excited, jumping with joy. He couldn't sit still as he sat in the back seat of his beloved car on the way to the hospital. The moment he saw his baby brother for the first time, he felt the instant connection. The bond that could never be broken. He didn't want to leave his brother. But, Daddy insisted he could see him again, but Mommy and Sammy had to stay at the hospital, which meant Dean got to spend lots of time alone with Daddy. He was so excited about the new change in his life._

 _Floating through the light, image after image of happy times passed by him. His childhood, passing by him in a dream state of peaceful light. He didn't want to leave, ever. He wanted to remain in the warmth and comfort that came with the light. He had never felt so much warmth, so much love in his life._

Sam was knocked against the wall, unconscious when the flash of light came. He woke with a headache, his vision blurry. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times before his vision starting clearing. It took him a few minutes to remember where he was at.

"Dean!" Sam tried to make his way to his brother. It took him more than one try to get his legs to cooperate, to get his balance to even out.

Once he had made his way to Dean's side, he took a quick inventory of the sight in front of him. Dean was laid out, unconscious. He wasn't responding, no matter how hard Sam tried to wake him. The cave had become cold with the lack of the fire. He scooped his brother up into his arms, pulling him away from the place that once held the pile of death.

Laying the sleeping bag in a nearby corner he placed Dean on it, covering him. He then went and gathered the wood he needed and started a fire to keep them both warm.

Sam made his way under the cover with his big brother, wrapping his body around him in a protective manner, and for the much needed warmth.

 _He then saw the image of the night his life changed, only this time it was different, this time it wasn't full of darkness. There was love and concern in this dad's eyes. Something he had never noticed before. He was scared when he placed Baby Sammy into Dean's arms, but also concerned for their safety above his own. His main priority was to make sure his boys were safe. Then second, he had to try to save his wife. Concern for his own life fell last._

 _Dean stood in the yard, holding his brother close to him, watching the flames through the window, when his dad scooped them up and pulled them to safety right before the window exploded, leaving shards of broken glass and splinted wood covering the place Dean once stood._

 _There was warmth and comfort in his dad's arms. Something else he had never noticed before. He was loving and concerned about them, making sure they were okay. There was so much going on around them. So many lights and noises, all the emergency vehicles that surrounded them. Sammy started crying and Dean was scared, so, their dad pulled them away from it all._

 _He carried them to the place that Dean would learn to find so much comfort in, to their car. John sat the boys on the trunk, then joined them. Wrapping his arm around Dean and holding Sammy tight in his arms. He comforted them, keeping them safe by his side._

 _This was the dad Dean remembered from his childhood, but why had he never noticed the love and comfort from that night? All he remembered was the darkness, the pain, he hadn't noticed how gentle his dad's arms were. How calming his words came out. He soothed them both, telling them everything would be okay. Reassuring them that he knew they were scared, but he would keep them both safe._

 _He had a lot to do, he had to talk to all the cops and firefighters. But, he never left his boys alone when he did that. He wasn't concerned about what the cops or anyone else wanted, he was concerned about his boys and their need to feel safe at that moment. Especially Dean. Dad was especially attentive to Dean. Sammy was just a baby, he didn't understand what was going on, but Dean was old enough to know, old enough to be scared._

 _Once things had calmed down, he buckled Sammy up in his car seat, told Dean to stay in the car with him, to watch him. He said he had to go into the house for some things. Dean waited. He remembers expecting his mom to come out with Dad. But, that's not what he saw this time. This time, he realized his dad left them alone, in the car, because the house wasn't safe, because he didn't want Dean to suffer from any nightmares of what just happened._

 _He realized if he would have seen the house after everything else that had happened then he may not have been able to be as strong as he was. But, John had to go back in. The firefighters told him he could, but to be careful. The fire was mostly contained to the nursery. John gathered some clothes for the boys, Dean's favorite blanket, a few toys that were in the living room, and some diapers and wipes, bottles, formula, the basic needs for them for the next couple nights._

 _When John put the items in the trunk, and handed Dean his comfort blanket, he told him they were going to stay in a motel that night. Dean had felt so much more comfortable with his blanket. He was glad his dad brought it. Dean realized the hurt in his dad's eyes, but also the need to make everything okay. He tried to make it sound fun, tried to make it something Dean would be excited about. It worked, at least for that moment. He hadn't realized before just how much his dad had tried to keep Dean comforted._

 _That night, for a moment, John held Dean in his lap, brushing his fingers through his hair, holding him tight against his body. John needed the comfort of knowing his boy was okay, as much as Dean needed the comfort of knowing his dad was okay. They both needed the reminder that they weren't alone. Dean remembered, laying with his head pressed against his dad's chest, he could hear his heartbeat. It was comforting, and put him to sleep while he laid in his dad's arms._

 _Dean couldn't understand why he had never noticed these things before. The images continued, and even though John didn't speak much, or acknowledge his kids, Dean felt different about it. He could feel the heartache, the loss that his dad felt. The depression he had slipped into. He noticed, he tried to pull himself out of it. There were small moments that he would try hard to smile at them, or acknowledge their needs. He would hold Dean close, making sure he knew his dad was still there, he may not have been in a good place, but he was still there._

 _Their days were filled with things that John didn't want to involve the kids in. He realized, they were all funeral arrangements, and viewing what little was left of Mary's body. He had to talk to people about what happened that night. And, he had to gather more items they would need from the house._

 _Dean got upset because he felt like his dad was ignoring them, not allowing them to be with him during those things, but now, he realized he did it to protect them from any further heartaches. He loved them so much he protected them anyway he could._

 _When they were allowed to go into the house, Dad told them not to leave the living room. But, Dean didn't listen. He put Sammy in a safe place and went upstairs. John got so mad, but he didn't remember the fear and anger, he only noticed the fear of concern._

 _John was upset because the house wasn't safe enough for Dean to be wandering around, and, he also didn't want any memories to intensify by him seeing the damage to the house. He knew how hard it was to see the after effects. He had seen them himself, and wanted to spare his son from the heartache, but Dean wouldn't listen, he was always a wanderer, he always had to see everything there was to see. He was so curious about everything. It didn't surprise John that he had went upstairs, but he let his concern and fear for his safety to come out as anger._

 _It didn't take much for Dean to notice how overwhelmed his dad got with everything. Dean didn't like his dad letting other people take care of Sammy, but, he realized now, it was because he was just so overwhelmed with everything, so heartbroken, so much depression had set in, that he didn't want to have to worry about the baby, and didn't want Dean to have to worry either. After all, he was just a little boy himself, it wasn't right for him to shoulder all the concern on his own._

Dean started stirring in his unconscious state, waking Sam from his sleep. Sam placed a comforting hand on Dean's chest to calm him. But, it wasn't a nightmare, this was something different. Sam could tell. Dean's heart beat was slow and even. His breathing, the same, slow and even. Like he was comfortable, more than just comfortable, like he was at peace.

Dean let out a low groan, opening his eyes slightly. It took him a few minutes and several long blinks to bring his world back into focus. His eyes had to adjust to the colors that surrounded him, it wasn't complete whiteness like before. The only brightness was coming from the glow of the fire. But, somehow Dean felt different. He didn't feel a heavy, dark weight anymore, he felt light, peace, like he was safe and everything was good.

"Hey, Dean, hey there. You alright?"

Dean nodded his head, pushing himself to a seated position. "Yeah, I'm good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, actually, I feel great."

"What the hell happened?"

"I'm not sure, but everything feels different, everything is great now. How about we get out of here? There's a whole world out there, full of wonders, that we need to see."

Sam just stared, dumbfounded, at his brother. Since when did Dean become the upbeat, positive one? "Uh, yeah, okay, I'm not sure what time it is, it might still be dark out."

"That's alright, the fresh coolness of the moon lit sky would be nice."

Sam was still questioning the sudden change in his brother, but didn't disagree when he wanted to leave. Sam had enough of this place. If he never had to come back to this cave again that would be fine by him.

Dean packed their items and carried the bag. He enjoyed the walk back to the car. He chatted to Sam about different things, stopped to admire the beauty in the things they passed in the woods. The moon light was shining through the leaves, casting interesting shadows on the ground. Dean couldn't help but point them out. He even played a game with Sammy to help pass the time. They took turns pointing out different shapes in the shadows and the moon light.

It felt like time passed quickly, and before either of them realized it, they were standing beside Dean's Baby. He put the bag in the trunk.

"Hey, little brother, do you want the pleasure of driving us back?"

"Me? Dean, unless you're dying, you don't ever let me drive."

"Yeah, I know, that's why I figured I'd offer."

"Uhhh, nah, I'm good right now, you can drive your baby."

Dean just nodded and slid behind the wheel. "Man, I love this car. I always have. She's been so good to me. She's just like family."

Dean started the engine, commenting on the calming sound of her motor purring. He pointed out things he noticed on the way back to the motel. Things that he would have never noticed before. There were some small flowers beside the road that Dean seemed to enjoy. It was still dark, but the shining of the headlights made them light up and Dean couldn't help but notice their beauty.

Sam wasn't sure what was going on, but he honestly wasn't sure if he wanted to fix it or not. He kind of liked this new Dean. He liked seeing his brother happy and feeling at peace. He enjoyed the fact that Dean was noticing the beauty life could hold, and not just the darkness that intertwined with the light. But, he could also see how this could become very annoying very fast. And, he knew he needed his brother back to being himself. He just needed to figure out how. But, he figured it would be okay if a part of this version stuck around.

They made it back to the motel room. Dean commented on how nice it was, how lucky they were, to have a roof over their heads, that so many people out there don't even have that. He went and enjoyed a nice hot shower, and put on clean clothes, that he pointed out he was thankful for.

The whole ordeal of the day had him worn out, so he decided he would take advantage of the fact they had a bed to sleep in and comfortable pillows to put under his head. It didn't take him long to drift to sleep. His soft breathing told Sam there wasn't a risk of nightmares anytime soon.

Sam had sat on his bed, laptop in hand. He had started looking up the symbols in the cave. He had to know what they meant. Had to figure out what was going on with his brother. He found symbols that looked close, but not exact. He had discovered there were beliefs of ancient dark magic that had taken place in the area. Some believed it was a sacrifice to a pagan god, others believed it was pure witch craft.

Through research that he had done prior to their hunt, he had discovered that three people had gone missing in the past month, and that every year, three people would go missing around the same time each month. Sometimes, they were locals, sometimes, visitors to the town, sometimes, they were hikers in the woods.

Sam began to question why there were 3 bodies that went missing when there were only 2 creatures. Originally, they believed it to only be 1, now that they knew there were 2, Sam wondered if there was a 3rd somewhere out there, or perhaps, Dean was right about little off springs?

Sam looked at his brother, who seemed to be in a peaceful stated. He had been right about everything else, so far. Somehow, this thing, whatever it was, has attached to him. Entered his mind. Became a part of him, or he became a part of it. Whatever 'it' was. But, they had searched the whole cave, and didn't find any other creatures. Dean insisted that the nest and feeding pile be burned, leaving nothing for a creature to survive on.

He wished he could understand what was going on inside his brother's mind. He wished even more, that he could figure out what was going on. He closed his laptop and laid it on the table beside him. He figured, for now, he had done all the research he could do online. He needed to visit the library or local historian before being able to research further. He picked up a paper and pencil and started to draw the images that he had seen. He couldn't afford to lose them in memory.

Looking at his brother's peaceful sleep again, he laid himself down, under the covers of his bed. He reached up and turned out the light, knowing he needed rest, that he had a lot of research ahead of him, and had a feeling his brother wasn't going to be much good at helping him. Hell, he'd probably get lost in the beauty of a word, or the amazement of print on paper. Sam chuckled to himself with that thought.

He wondered, once his brother was himself again, how long he could get away with teasing him about acting like such a girl. He smiled thinking of all the things he could say that would get his brother going, and closed his eyes. Allowing his brother's soft, peaceful breathing to fill his ears and rock his mind to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 2

Morning broke and Sam was woken by the sound of Dean. He had already woken and taken a shower, prepared himself for the day, and was making his way back into the motel room when he managed to wake Sam.

"Hey, sorry, did I wake you?"

"Uhh, Dean? What are you doing?"

Dean had a paper sack in one hand and a drink tray with 2 large cups of coffee in the other hand. He lifted them into the air as he used his foot to kick the door closed behind him. "Breakfast." He said with a grin.

Sam looked at the clock. "Dude, it's 7:00 in the morning!"

"Yeah, and the sun is shining, it's still cold out, but still, it's a brand new day, rise and shine sleepy head!"

Sam groaned and rolled himself out of bed, first visiting the bathroom then sitting at the table with Dean to eat the food he had bought.

"Man, you got everything right." Sam said with a shock.

"Well, yeah, I tried to get what I knew you usually order."

"You did good." Sam replied around a mouthful of food.

"So, what's the plan for today?"

"Well, last night, I was looking up the history of this town and trying to see what I can find about those symbols. I found some things, but I need to go visit the library today, and maybe find a historian to talk to."

"Sounds fun, anything I can do to help?"

Sam drew a confused look on his face. "You want to help research?"

"I mean, yeah, why not?"

Sam just shook his head and chuckled. "You feeling alright?"

"Man, I feel great! Never better!"

"Yeah, my point exactly. I think you need to take some time to rest or go smell the flowers or something."

"Oh man, so I walked to the diner for breakfast this morning, and there were these pots of flowers, they were so pretty! The beauty of the world, it's amazing. Have you ever stopped to notice it?"

Sam just shook his head. "Maybe I'll do that someday, but, for now, I need to see what I can find about what's going on with you. I don't know how much of this 'the world is a beautiful place' Dean that I can handle." Sam said with a slight laugh.

"Yeah, okay little brother, I'll let you have your fun with your research and I'll enjoy nature."

"Sounds good to me." Sam agreed as he finished his food. He made his way to the shower, changing into clean clothes. And headed out for his day full of research.

Dean laid back on the bed, knowing his brother would be gone for most of the day. He was enjoying the peacefulness he was feeling. He allowed the comfort to drift him into a sleepiness.

" _But, Daddy, I want to go with you!"_

" _You can't Dean."_

" _Why not?"_

" _Because Sammy is sick, he needs to go to the hospital, and I can't handle the both of you."_

 _Dean pouted, and wouldn't stop arguing about wanting to go. He didn't mean to make his dad mad, but he did. John grabbed some rope and picked up a squirming Dean and tied him to the chair. Of course, Dean choose to start crying, making his dad gag his mouth._

 _Dean was mad, and scared, but, more than that, he noticed the concern in his dad. It was true heart break that filled his dad's eyes. He hated doing that to his son. But, he had to make sure he was safe, had to make sure he would be quiet. He didn't know any other way. His heart was breaking. Was that a tear? Dad was crying. A tear dripped down his face. He had to keep Dean safe and had to make sure Sam got taken care of._

 _Sam had woken with a fever and nothing they tried made him feel any better. John wasn't able to keep his boys in the best environments, so the least boys he had with him, the less attention they would bring to themselves, and the fewer questions would be asked._

 _Dean couldn't believe he had never noticed the heart break in his dad's eyes before. He was too concentrated on the way he felt to notice anyone else. The time passed quicker than it originally did. When Dad and Sam returned home several days had passed. Dean was cold and had used the bathroom on himself, he was also so hungry and scared. His dad laid Sammy down in his bed and quickly untied Dean._

 _He grabbed his oldest boy and held him as tight as he could. Dean's tears fell down his little cheeks, but so did John's. He gave Dean a warm bath, cleaning his soiled body. He kept apologizing. He told Dean he didn't expect to be gone that long, that Sammy had to be put in the hospital because he was so sick. He told him that they wouldn't let him leave Sam, or he would have come back to take care of him._

" _It's okay, Daddy. Is Sammy all better?"_

 _The only thing Dean was worried about was making sure his baby brother was okay. He kept reassuring his dad that it was okay, that he was glad Sammy was feeling better. The concern in his dad's eyes was something Dean had never noticed before. He always believed his dad never cried, but here it was, in the memories hidden deep inside, his dad had tears running down his face. He was crying over Dean. Dean of all people. His dad was so concerned about him, and his wellbeing that he was actually crying!_

 _Dean hadn't realized how much his dad truly loved him. He never saw how much he worried about him and made sure he was taken care of. How could Dean be so stupid? How could he have never seen it before. His dad loved him as much as he loved his dad._

A car horn honked outside, bringing Dean out of his dream state. He sat up, stretched his body, and took a deep breath. He was content with his life at this moment. He was still feeling at peace, he was feeling loved.

He decided to step outside, to enjoy the day while it was still daylight. He walked the streets, noticing all the little things that he had never noticed before. He sat on a park bench, watching kids run and play in a nearby park.

 _Dean loved taking Sam to the park. Sam always had so much fun. They didn't get the chance to play too often, so when they did they took full advantage of it._

 _He would chase Sammy around, and push him on the swings. He would sit his little brother in his lap and slide down the slide with him, the same way his dad used to do when he was Sam's age. Dean wished they could spend everyday at the park, like they used to do. But, he knew that the world wasn't as safe as it was back then._

 _Dad worried about their safety. He wouldn't let them out too often. Uncle Bobby would take them to the park when they visited. He didn't care what John had said. Dean knew it made their dad mad, that he didn't feel like they were being watched close enough, and were missing some valuable time they could be training. But, Bobby loved them as much as John did, and he wanted them to have the chance to be kids._

 _Sure, Dean never let his guard down around Sammy, but he did enjoy the break of having to act grown. He could be a kid, even if he was watching his brother. He loved those days, when they could just laugh and play together._

A barking dog caught his attention. He had never been one for liking dogs, but this one seemed so friendly, and Dean thought it looked cute. The dog walked near him and without even giving it a thought, he reached out and pet the dog. The dog seemed to enjoy Dean petting it, he started wagging its tail and moved closer, enjoying the moment of affection it was being given. Dean noticed the soft fur that covered its body. He noticed how it wiggled its body with it's tail when it was happy. The excitement for something as simple as being pet made Dean smile.

The owner started walking away, taking the dog with him. Dean watched it walk away, wagging its tail and panting happily as it followed its owner. Dean wondered if their lives would have been different if they had a dog.

He stood from the bench and continued following his path, enjoying the scenery. There was a home, it looked like your typical, apple pie, American dream home. It was a two-story home, with white siding and a black roof with black shutters beside all the windows. With a matching black front door. The yard was nicely mowed and it was lined with a white, wooden picket fence.

Outside, was a father and a little boy, tossing a football back and forth. The Dad would cheer the boy on, congratulating him each time he caught the ball, and the little boy would dance around all excited. Dean smiled at the happiness that radiated from the family.

After walking around the town, he made his way back to the motel room. He had a great day. He was feeling relaxed and full of love and happiness. He made himself comfortable on the bed, flipping through the tv channels, not finding anything he was interested in, so he settled on an old black and white channel.

 _Sam would love to sit in front of the tv and watch his Saturday morning cartoons with a bowl of fruity pebbles cereal. That was always Dean's quiet time too. He took the time that his brother was content with the tv to relax on his own. He was never too far from Sammy, but enjoyed those small moments he could have his own space to breathe._

 _But, god, he loved his brother! He would die if anything ever happened to his baby brother. He loved to just sit and watch Sammy, he was full of so much innocence. He was a kid, something Dean didn't get a chance to be. But, that was okay, as long as Sammy was happy, that's truly all that mattered._

The click of the door caught his attention. He looked up as Sam walked in, he looked exhausted. As he closed the door he froze, giving Dean a curious, confused look.

"Are those… flowers? In a… vase? On the… table?"

"Yeah!" Dean replied with a peppy smile. "I picked them while I was walking earlier, figured we could use something to freshen up the place just a little. They are buttercups. Buttercups are the first flowers to bloom in the beginning of spring."

"The fact that you know that scares me a little." Sam replied with a shake of his head.

"I'm starving, wanna go grab some food? Or I could just get something and bring it back if you're too tired and don't wanna go anywhere."

Sam was so confused by his brother's new behavior. "Uh, no, I'm good, we can go grab something, lemme go use the bathroom first, and I'll fill you in on what I've learned."

Dean agreed and sat to wait for his brother. When had his brother became so grown? When did life change so much? What Dean wouldn't give for his baby brother to have the innocence he once had.

"You ready?" Sam pulled Dean from his thoughts.

"Yeah."

"Hey, so, um, are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great, why?"

"Just making sure."

"I'm good, no worries, how are you doing? How was your day?"

"Uh, my day was good, I did a lot of research, unfortunately I don't have all the answers I'm looking for yet, but I have more to go off of, to research online later."

"Awesome! So, how are you doing?"

"I'm… good… tired, hungry, but good."

"Good!" Dean replied with a smile.

They made their way into a local diner, and sat in a back, corner booth. Dean ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and a milkshake, Sam ordered a salad and water. Dean didn't even comment on his brother's choice of food. And, since when did Dean order anything other than a cheeseburger and beer?

A young, nice looking blonde woman came to take their order. Dean used his normal charm to be nice to her, noticing her name 'Anna' on her nametag. But, something was different, only Sam would notice it, of course. Dean was using his charm, but it was for the soul reason of being nice, not to try to grab a quickie in the bathroom or aisle out back.

"Hey, Anna, it's a beautiful day today, isn't it? Yes, I believe my brother and I are ready to order. I'm thinking the grilled chicken sandwich? Is it any good? Okay, great! I'll take that then, and, how are the milkshakes here? Handmade? MMMM you can't beat good home cooking. I'll take one of those, chocolate, please." Dean kept a smile on his face, his charm was shining brightly. Sam ordered his food next, trying to keep his brother's upbeat attitude. Anna gladly took their order and left, returning with their drinks.

"How has your day been, Anna? My day? It's been perfect, thanks for asking."

His simple question of concern led into her feeling comfortable with allowing herself to tell him she hadn't had a very good day, that she had chosen today, of all days, to leave her abusive boyfriend. Dean congratulated her on her decision, reassuring her that its what's best if he's not treating her right. He reminded her that no woman deserves to be beat on or hurt, rather it be physical or emotional, that they should be treated like the queens they are.

Sam was sure Dean's charm was causing Anna to turn slightly horney, watching her cheeks brighten with slight redness as she shifted her thighs against each other, trying to calm her own body. Sam couldn't help but rise an eyebrow when his brother seemed to ignore the obvious signs she was sending to him.

Any other day, he would have jumped at the opportunity to have a quickie, yet, here he was, with a girl who had turned herself wet just by listening to the care in his voice, and he ignored it. He was honestly only concerned for her wellbeing.

She came back to their table to check on them several times, like she wanted to be there with them, where she would be safe and loved and cared for. That was obviously Dean's only concern too. Dean left a nice size tip for her, again, reassuring her that she is doing what is best for her and that she deserves better than someone who is going to hurt her and make her unhappy. He reminded her that she was worth everything her heart desires and is worth being happy and healthy.

Sam was shocked, he had never seen his brother act the way he did. Sure, he knew Dean felt that way. He would never stand by and watch anyone abuse a woman, but he was more of the type who would kick their ass and leave them with threats of death, not the type who would comfort the women and make sure they felt worthy of the love they deserved. And he managed to do all of this without even getting a hard on, or grabbing a quick reminder of the way they should feel after sex.

"What the hell was that?" Sam asked after they left the diner.

"What? I just wanted to make sure she was going to be okay, and if no one else tells her, well then, she needs to hear that she's worth the happiness she wants."

Sam raised his eyebrows, looking his brother up and down. "Who are you and what have you done to my brother?"

Dean nudged Sam's shoulder in a playful manner. "So, what is it exactly that you've found out?"

Sam had forgotten he was never able to catch Dean up with what he's learned. Dean was too busy comforting their waitress.

"Oh, yeah, so there's a history of some ancient dark magic crap that's happened here. A lot of witch craft and sacrificial offering. There's a few different tales, one of them is a pagan god. Something that created the creatures and the bodies, or the missing people, are the sacrifices. Every year there seems to be three missing people around the same time. Sometimes they are hikers who got lost, sometimes visitors, and sometimes locals."

"Three? But… there were only 2 creatures."

"Exactly!"

"So why three?"

"That's what I need to figure out."

"So, are you enjoying this crazy peace and zen thing?"

"I mean, of course. You're enjoying it too." Dean nudged his brother.

"Yeah, whatever!"

"Hey! Don't 'whatever' me! Sam, you know you do. I wish you could feel what I feel right now. It's like, I've noticed things I've never noticed before, like anything that would normally seem dark and crappy, man, I can see the wonder in it! It's so relaxing and peaceful. I don't even know how to explain it. I've never felt anything like it before."

"You look like you're rested, at peace with everything, and you seem to be in a good mood."

"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel."

Sam nodded. Thankful that his brother was feeling some type of peace in the midst of the darkness he had just experienced. Dean had been through so much lately. He deserved, more than anyone, to find a moment of happiness. Sam wasn't sure if he could handle another bouquet of fresh flowers, but figured if that was the worst he had to deal with he would be okay with that.

Dean showered, and made his way to his bed.

"Hey, Sammy."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For…?"

"For, always being there for me when I've needed you. For, being someone, I can depend on, and for being my shoulder when I've needed one. Thank you for being my brother, and my best friend."

"You're welcome, Dean, now go to sleep, before you create a chick flick moment even you would be embarrassed of!"

Dean and Sam both laughed at that, knowing Sam was right, and he was trying to save his brother some dignity that he could hold on to once this was all over.

"Night Sam."

"Night, Dean."

Dean snuggled under his covers and fell into a blissful sleep. Sam stayed up with his laptop, continuing to look into the events that have happened in this town. Yes, he was thankful that Dean was able to find some peace, but he also knew this wasn't his brother. And, no matter what good or bad they may face, he needed to get his brother back to being himself.

He glanced at the flowers sitting on the table, giving a small chuckle and a shake of his head, before turning out the main light in the room, leaving only the glow of the small lamp beside his bed and his laptop, leaving Dean to enjoy his peaceful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 3

 _Dean felt as if he was floating again. A peaceful white light surrounded him. He floated past such lovely things. There was an old cabin they stayed in one summer. He hated that place, but this time when he looked at it, he noticed the beauty that surrounded it. There was a field of wild flowers that flowed in overgrown grass. A small brook ran near the cabin, bringing the deer there to drink. The inside wasn't horrible, which was where he spent most of his time, but he really took notice of the beauty on the outside._

 _He remembered running through the woods with Sam. He told his dad it was a training exercise, but, honestly, he wanted to have some fun, yes, he used it for training too, but mostly he wanted him and his brother to get rid of some built up energy they had both been feeling. Dean and Sam played hide n seek. And they chased each other through the overgrown grass, falling to the ground, laughing when they caught each other._

 _That's the way Dean liked training Sam, he had learned early on how to make everything into a game. He could tell his brother to play hide and seek when danger approached, and he would run and hide, not coming out until Dean found him, or told him he gave up. No matter what danger was around them, that always kept Sam safe. Sam found it fun too. And, he enjoyed the training Dean did with him, he enjoyed everything being a game._

 _Dean enjoyed watching his brother's face light up and hearing his laughter. There was one night at the cabin that he made up some excuse that Sam needed some night training, and the brothers laid on a blanket, far enough away from the cabin that they were alone, and they looked up at the stars, noticing their beauty and talking about the different things that Sam had learned about the planets and stars and their formations._

 _Sam was always a smart kid, Dean made sure of that. Before he even started school, Dean had already taught him his ABCs and how to count and his colors, and he was starting to read. He could even tie his own shoes; which Sam thought was the coolest thing because no one else in his class could do that!_

 _Dean loved that Sam was so proud of everything that he had taught him. He felt like, no matter what anyone else said, he had finally managed to do something right. And it made Dean's heart glow with pride as well._

 _He floated past that memory and passed by a few others that he had never noticed before. The simple enjoyment of food. The way he would light up and enjoy the taste of a good cooked meal. He had learned how to starve, but he never really learned how to enjoy what he had. How to enjoy the food when he had it. Or, at least, he never noticed that he had. But, his pure enjoyment of something so simple, gave him pleasure and made him thankful for the opportunity to eat a good meal._

 _Some memories were small ones, he wasn't sure the time or place, but one was his dad, placing a gentle hand on Dean's shoulder, telling him it was okay, that he did good, and he was proud of him. He told him as long as everyone was safe that's all that mattered._

 _He moved on to the next. This was one of the times he had screwed something up, he was being punished. But, instead of just remembering the pain, he noticed his dad tried to explain to him with sympathy that he didn't have a choice. That, Dean had messed up, and had to be taught a lesson. Mess ups can get you killed out there, and he had to make sure he didn't do it again. His dad looks drunk, but also sad._

 _Dean realized, maybe that's why his punishments and harshest trainings happened while he was drunk, because he had to somehow drown out the emotions, he had to leave himself behind for the sake of the hunt. If he wasn't drunk, he wouldn't be able to train Dean the way he needed, his emotions and concern for his son would only get in the way._

 _John had tried his best, Dean always told Sam that, but he wasn't sure if he completely believed it himself. Not until now. He had carried so much hurt and heartaches through life, but now he realized that his dad had too. Sure, there were some times that his dad got overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle things, those times mostly came out as anger and ended with Dean being hurt, but now, he wondered what was really behind those outbursts of his dad's. Curiosity was getting the best of him._

 _He chose to let it go, to just ride this out, to enjoy what he was learning, what he was seeing, and not worry about what he would or would not see again._

 _He wondered why he couldn't just stay in this blissful peace, why he had to return to the real world. Sam was so concerned about finding a cure, and figuring out what was going on, but, Dean was fine if he never figured it out. He would be okay if he could stay this way forever. He had been through so much pain and grief, this was a nice change, one he thought he could live in forever._

 _He passed a memory of him flirting with a girl, they were young, too young to be serious, but he was happy, feeling like a normal kid. He wondered how different life would be if they had fallen in love and gotten married, maybe had a couple kids. He could imagine that. Sam once had Jess, but that was ruined for him, but maybe there was someone else out there for him? Someone better than Jess?_

The morning sun shined through the crack in the curtains, shining on Dean's face, waking him with a stretch and silent groan. It was another new day, another chance to make the best out of life. He rolled over, watched Sam sleep for a few moments. He decided Sam needed his sleep, and if he was awake he would only try to find a way to fix what Dean didn't want fixed. So, Dean quietly got up and closed the crack in the curtains. He then hung his cover over the window, blocking out the light from outside. Dean, personally, enjoyed the light, he enjoyed the dawning of a new day.

He checked his freshly picked flowers, making sure they had enough water, then laid back in his bed. He decided if he didn't want to wake Sam, the best thing for him to do was lay back down, which, he wasn't completely opposed to. He didn't mind sleeping, it was a wonderful sensation. He was beginning to wonder why he even had to wake up.

He made himself comfortable. Still feeling the peace that had been surrounding him the past couple days, and closed his eyes, allowing his body to fall back into a deep sleep.

 _At first, Dean thought he should have felt fear, but he didn't. He watched as his dad started him on his training, after a long hunt, they were alone, in the middle of nowhere. John told him to run, to hide, he had his belt in his hands. Dean knew he didn't have time to hesitate. He knew this training was necessary. It taught him so much that he would use later in his life. He learned to run, to hide, and how to get away from anything that was threatening to hurt him, but most importantly, it taught him what he needed to know so he could teach Sam._

 _He watched himself, like an out of body experience. He was a natural, a pro. He noticed everything around him. His surroundings became a part of him. He noticed every little spot, every small hill and every bush, he noticed the trees he could and could not climb. He took note of places that weren't the best, but was something he could consider for temporary shelter if need be._

 _But he moved on, quickly taking in his surroundings until he found a perfect hiding place. It was a feeling of accomplishment. A feeling of success. He knew he was learning, knew he could protect himself, and Sammy, if their lives depended on it._

 _Right now, his life didn't depend on it, and he knew what the end results would be, but that was okay, because he needed to learn how to handle the injuries that comes with the job. He's been able to withstand more than most people would even be able to imagine. He felt a sense of pride knowing this. He felt strong, like, for a moment, he was the superhero Sam had seen him as._

 _Dean liked that feeling. He liked feeling like he was worth something. The feeling of self-worth was something he wasn't used to feeling. It was certainly something he could get used to._

 _He saw himself, and his dad, returning from a possible hunt, or training session. He wasn't really sure which one, but he was injured. Not too bad, but bad enough he was in pain. He had to have been close to being a teenager. Sam was in the motel room, alone, and John didn't start leaving him alone until he felt he was old enough. Sam was upset because he was left alone, but once Dean was back around, everything seemed to be okay, with the both of them._

 _Dean smiled as Sam's eyes lit up. He didn't care how much he hurt, when his brother wrapped his arms around him he didn't even flinch, he was just thankful he made it back, thankful his little brother was okay. There was no better feeling than being with his little brother, being able to protect him and know everything was well with him._

 _He didn't want to leave, he froze his memories at that moment. The happiness, the peacefulness, as he returned alive, and was back to protect his brother, to make sure he was taken care of. Little Sammy had wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, leaning his head against his chest. Dean blocked out all the pain and discomfort, and embraced the love and comfort at that moment. He wanted to stay there forever. He didn't want to move on. He remained frozen in that moment of time._

Sam had woken up, he was surprised to see Dean still asleep, then he noticed the blanket over the window, he had seen it before. It was their way of blocking out light, allowing the other brother, or themselves, to sleep longer.

Sam stretched and yawned, thankful for the extra sleep he was able to get. He had been up late doing research. He got out of bed, hitting the bathroom first, followed by a shower. He was having a good morning, he didn't feel rushed or stressed. Once he had completed his morning routine, he decided he would wake Dean, and go get breakfast.

He gave Dean a few shakes, calling his name, without any response. He attempted again, this time he got a slight response, a moan and slight movement, but that was all. Again, he tried, but didn't have any luck. He wasn't sure if his brother was that tired or if there was something else going on. He decided a little more sleep wouldn't hurt anyone, so, he left Dean a note, and headed to the diner for breakfast. Once he was finished, he decided to bring Dean back some carbohydrates and a cup of coffee.

 _Dean was sure he could hear his brother's voice, but he didn't want to wake. He wanted to stay in the moment he had frozen. Once his brother's voice was gone, he decided it was time to move on, to see what other memories were waiting for him._

 _He was in awe of the things he once saw as a nightmare, but now was filled with so much light, so much love, and a new understanding. The outbursts from his dad, the ones that made no sense, that seemed to come from nowhere. He understood those were from an overwhelming life, but he didn't see those memories, not in the light. The light was full of love and understanding._

 _He moved on, seeing the ones he had loved and lost, it wasn't the pain of the loss but the love that he was embracing. The sincere concern for him. The women that he had fallen in love with. The love was something that was more than he had felt with others. It was a feeling that filled him through his soul. Something he wished he could feel again. He wondered if he stayed in these memories if he would be able to hold on to the love he felt._

 _There were so many memories, so many times, he wished he could stay. He wished he could hold on to those feeling forever. He stayed, enjoying the feelings, enjoying the peace, enjoying the love. Nothing else seemed to matter. The fact that he knew there were more memories, more life he lived past this point, didn't matter. He wanted to embrace the goodness._

 _His life had been so full of darkness and pain, he wanted, just once, to stay in the light and happiness. He thought, perhaps, he deserved this. He deserved to be happy, to feel loved. He deserved to remain in the feelings that he enjoyed._

Sam had returned from the diner, noticing his brother still asleep. He removed the cover, allowing the light to shine through. It took several attempts to try to wake Dean before even getting any type of response. It took a few more tries before Dean began waking up.

"Hey, there, Dean, you need to wake up, sleepy head."

"Why?"

"Because the day is half over, and you're sleeping it away."

"Leave me alone!"

"Hey, Mr. grumpy, rise and shine, I brought you a Danish and some coffee."

Dean pushed himself into a seating position. Gladly accepting the Danish and luke warm coffee.

"You feeling alright today?" Sam was slightly concerned with the fact he had slept most of the day.

"Yeah, I'm good, just slept longer than I meant to, I guess."

"How's your dreams?"

"Man, they are great! I haven't had a nightmare in nights, actually they've been the complete opposite."

Sam just nodded, like he understood. "The light?"

Dean looked shocked. "How did you know?"

"I've been researching, remember?"

"Yeah, well, you're more than welcome to stop at any time."

"Dean." Sam had a saddened tone in his voice. "You can't stay like this. I'm sure you're enjoying it, but you can't stay here. There's more to life than these memories that you're seeing, the same as there was more than the dark memories you were living in."

"Yeah, well…" Dean stopped his words, he wasn't really sure how to reply. He knew his brother was right, but he didn't like the fact that he was right.

"Dean… you know I'm right."

"You just think you're so smart, don't you, college boy?"

"Dean."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, okay? I get that I'm not allowed to have happiness, that the only thing that will make you or anyone else happy is for my life to be filled with darkness. I don't matter. My feelings don't matter. I get it, okay!"

"Dean! That's not what I meant. I never said that! I'm only saying that this person, the one you are right now, it isn't you, just like the person you were before this, wasn't you either."

"Yeah, well, why can't this be me? Why is it so bad that I'm actually happy? Why can't I enjoy life for once?"

"Because, its going to end up destroying you."

"How?"

"I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure it out. The best I can tell is there's two fazes to this thing, the darkness and the light. The darkness is the first one, when those creatures attacked you, they somehow… infected… you with the darkness. I think they were created by dark magic, I'm not entirely sure, but I think they were once people, who were sacrificed, only instead of being killed they were turned into these creatures. They were put there to protect the curse that was carved in the cave. I'm not sure if there were originally 3 of them, but I do know they wouldn't abandon their post, which makes me wonder if one of them had died."

"I think they don't live forever, but some of their victims have been turned into creatures instead of killed, possibly when one of them dies. And, I'm thinking that what's going on with you, is their way of turning their victims. Which could be why there were only 2 of them, they are needing to turn someone to replace the 3rd. And, I think it's you that they chose."

"Why? Why me?"

"I'm not sure, I think maybe you have something they were looking for? Maybe they needed a survivor? Or a fighter? Someone who has the ability to protect the cave?"

"Great! Guess I'm good for more than I thought, I'm also great for being turned into a creature!" Dean rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, because you're just that amazing."

Dean let out a slight chuckle, disagreeing with his brother.

"Anyhow, if we don't figure this thing out, I'm afraid you're, somehow, going to turn into one of those things."

Dean shuttered. "Dude! I can't go around looking that fuggly!"

"Exactly! That's why I need to figure this out. I need to learn how to stop it from progressing."

"So, what can I do?"

"You, just keep being you. I don't think your head is on very good right now. So, I just need you to keep hanging in there. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"And enjoy all this while you have the chance." Sam added with a grin. "Man, I wish you could feel this way all the time. I've actually enjoyed seeing you enjoying life, it's something I don't think I've ever seen from you before."

"Yeah, I thought you said I was annoying."

"You are!" Sam laughed. "But, it's still a nice thing to see from you. You deserve it, you deserve every minute of it, but, what you don't deserve is to become one of those creatures."

Dean nodded his head. "Hey Sammy."

"Yeah?"

"Promise me something."

"What?"

"I'm serious, you gotta promise me! If I become one of those things, you gotta kill me. I want it to be you. I want to know I'm not going to hurt anyone, I don't want to kill humans."

Sam's eyes dropped, he hated hearing his brother talk like that, but he knew if he couldn't stop this then it was a real possibility. He nodded his head. "Okay, I… I promise, Dean, I won't let you live as a monster, not if there's nothing I can do to change it."

Dean nodded, glad his brother was agreeing to take him out, but also understanding that his brother would first do everything he could to get his brother back.

"But." Sam added. "I'm going to do everything in my power to keep that from happening."

"I know you will, and… thanks."

Sam stood, patting Dean on his knee. "Anything for my brother!" He said as he made his way to the bathroom.

When he came back out, he noticed Dean leaning against the head board of his bed, he was propped on the pillows, looking like he was drifting off asleep. Sam sat on the bed next to his brother.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, just… I just want to go back to sleep, that's all."

"Why?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I just want to go back to the… the good feeling."

"The light?"

"Yeah, the light."

"I think you need to try to stay away from it."

Dean looked confused. "Why? I thought you told me to enjoy it while I could?"

"Yeah, but I don't think its good for you, just like the darkness wasn't. Dean, I just want you to be safe."

"Yeah, okay, whatever." Dean mumbled as he closed his eyes.

"Dean!" Sam rolled his eyes, knowing he was fighting a loosing battle.


	4. Chapter 4

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 4

 _Dean had drifted back into the light. He had decided he liked being in the light more than in the real world. Everything was right here. Everything was good. He felt relaxed and happy. He was surrounded by a feeling of comfort and love. This is where he wanted to be._

 _For a moment, he thought that he needed to have Sam come with him. He needed him to see the light, to enjoy the feeling with him. He could do it, he knew he could. He wasn't completely sure how, but somehow, he knew he could bring his brother here with him._

 _He watched his brother grow through his memories. He watched his dad become a stronger hunter. He watched himself, grow into a man. Didn't see anything that was negative, well not too negative. If it was a negative memory, it held moments he had never noticed before. It held emotions of concern and love._

 _He could hear Sam, he was trying to wake him, trying to pull him out of his happiness. 'No, Sammy, no, I deserve this' he thought to himself. 'I deserve to be happy. I deserve to see the truth, the fact that Dad really did love me.' Sammy continued to try to wake him, slowly pulling him away from his tender light, back to the reality that all he wanted to do was escape._

"Sammyyy!" Dean grumbled. "Leave me aloneee!"

"Dean! You need to wake the hell up!"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes! You do, you can't stay asleep, you have to wake up, you have to live in the real world!"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do! Dean, you have to wake up."

Dean started letting his eyes drift closed again.

"Dean! Wake up!"

"Sam, you should join me. It's so beautiful! And peaceful. There's a comfort there that you've never felt anywhere else, I guarantee it."

"Dean, I'm not going with you"

"Why not?"

"Because, I'm not going to turn into one of those things."

Dean rolled his eyes. "No one is turning into one of those creatures, its just a nice feeling, for a change."

"Yeah? And if I join you, then what?"

"I don't know, then we're both happy?"

"And asleep. Besides, how do you expect me to be able to join you?"

"I don't know, just go to sleep? That's when it seems to be the best, when I'm asleep."

"So, you think if I just go to sleep I'll join you? Dean, I've been asleep, every night, I've slept, and haven't joined you yet."

"Because, you haven't wanted to."

"Wanted to? Is that how this works? You have to want it?"

"How am I supposed to know? You're the brains of this operation."

"Okay, so, just talk to me. Why did you say I have to want it?"

"I don't know. In the darkness, it, the darkness, told me not to wake up. I told them I didn't want to stay asleep, it was too scary."

"Okay, and did it tell you how to stay asleep? How not to wake up?"

"Yeah, it told me I had to want it. I had to want to stay asleep and I would, I wouldn't have to live anymore, wouldn't have to face the pain of life."

Sam took a moment to think over the words he had just said. It saddened him because something in Dean's mind told him he didn't want to live anymore, living was too painful. Sam knew he had a rough life, they both have, but Dean's was by far worse. But he didn't want his brother to give up, to see life that way.

"So," Sam started. "The darkness wanted you to stay asleep? Has the light said anything to you?"

"No, it's not like I just hear voices all the time."

"Well, you are the one who is talking about the darkness speaking to you."

"Yeah, well…"

"So, the darkness, didn't want you to wake?"

"Yeah, we've already discussed that."

"Just, hear me out, Dean. The darkness didn't want you to wake, told you all you needed to do was WANT to stay asleep? When that didn't work, stage 2 kicked in and brought the light. But the light isn't scary, it's the complete opposite, right?"

"Yeah."

"And, because it's opposite, everything is so wonderful, right?"

"Yes."

"So, in other words, you're finding yourself WANTING to stay asleep?"

"Uh… Yeah."

"Do you see where I'm going here?"

"….yeah…"

Sam nodded his head. "Dean, like I've said, you need to stay awake, stay out of the light as much as you can."

"It's not that easy."

"Why not?"

"Because, it just comes, even when I'm awake. It's like, you know how memories just kind of come up sometimes? Well, it's like that, except with the memories comes the light. That and I just feel so tired, all the time."

"Yeah, because the light is pulling you in, making you want to join it, making you want to stay asleep."

"Yeah, I guess, I don't know what's going on with me. Sam, its kind of scaring me. I don't want to turn into one of those things, what am I supposed to do?"

"Dean, I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out, I really am. But the only thing I can come up with is for you to stay awake."

"Forever?"

"No, not forever."

"Then, how long?"

"Until I figure this out."

"Yeah, okay, so, how do I do that?"

"I don't know, it's not going to be easy."

"Will you stay awake with me?"

"Yeah, of course."

Dean just nodded his head. Silence falling over the empty air in the room. Dean's eyes felt heavy, he wanted to sleep, so he decided to go take a shower, hoping it would wake him up more.

Sam took the opportunity to do some more research while his brother showered. He wasn't coming up with much. He was feeling like he had reached all the information he was going to find. He wondered if the remaining answers were somewhere in his brother. He needed to find out what his brother knew. He needed to find out what his brother was feeling. He needed to get in Dean's head.

Dean rejoined Sam in the room. He still felt tired. He moved positions on the bed, then moved from the bed to the chair, back to the bed. He even made his way to Sam's bed, changing positions before sitting back on his own. Sam watched him silently, taking noticed of his behavior. The longer he stayed awake, the longer he pushed away any memories from coming to him, the more irritated he had gotten.

"Dean." Sam decided he needed to do something to calm his brother, and he also needed to try to find answers.

"Yeah?"

"So, tell me, the darkness, what was it like?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"But I need you to. I need to know, so I can try to help you. You said it was scary?"

"Yeah, it was like living in a nightmare. Everything was pitch black, the images of the memories were even darker. And, they wouldn't stop. They spun around me, making me feel confused and disoriented."

"What type of images, or memories?"

"Everything, anything, that was hurtful, it was like, I don't know. It was like it intensified the emotional hurt, like that was all that mattered. It made me feel like I didn't even deserve to live anymore. Like, I wasn't worth anything. All the times anyone hurt me, the things you know about, and the things you don't. And, the nightmares, they were way worse than anything I've ever had before."

"The things I don't know about?"

"Sam, you don't know everything."

"Yeah, right. So, how is the light the opposite?"

"Well, most of the images I see are good ones, and the ones that aren't… it's like I see things I didn't see before. I've seen the compassion in Dad's eyes, the sorrow he felt when he had to punish me, or do something he knew would hurt me. And, even the things that made no sense, it's like I understand them better. I know he did a lot out of aggravation because he was just so overwhelmed in life."

"And, do you think what you're seeing is true?"

"I… I never thought about it, I mean, I assumed it was."

"Yeah, but you haven't been exactly thinking straight, so who knows maybe the intense feelings, both good and bad, where just that, intensified for your 'pleasure'."

"Pleasure? Do you think the feelings in the darkness was pleasurable?"

"No, actually, I think it was just the opposite, which is why it wanted you to believe that staying asleep was better than living through more pain."

"Yeah, and now, staying asleep, living in the light, is still better than living through more pain." Dean dropped his head, he was so confused, he wasn't sure what to believe anymore.

"Yeah, so, that's why I need you to talk to me, to help me understand exactly what's going through your head, because somewhere in there, is the answers I need to fix this. Or, that YOU need to fix this. I'm not even sure if it's something I can do or if it's something you have to do on your own."

Dean just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, all I know is I keep getting these feelings, I can't explain it. It's like… it's like I know things, but don't understand them. Like, going back to the cave. I knew something was there, I knew it would change the darkness. But I didn't understand it, I didn't know what it was. I mean, I had a dream about being in the darkness and itlooked like a cave… maybe?"

Dean wiped his hand down his tired face. "There were stone walls and symbols carved in the wall. And I also had a dream that I was standing, in the middle of all the dead, rotting flesh that was piled there, but they were in a pile shaped in a circle, and I was standing in the middle. There was no way out of it. And then, blood started pouring down on the dead bodies, making the bones and flesh slippery, and they started to shift, and the blood pooled around my feet then my legs. Then when they shifted, they started to fall, on top of me, burying me under them."

Dean stopped to take a deep breath then continued. "I started to panic. I felt like I was being buried alive. Dad would do that. he would take a wooden box, an old wooden casket, and make me dig a shallow grave, then he would lock me in, and cover it with the dirt, and I had to dig myself out before the oxygen was gone."

Sam cleared his throat. "Dean…uhh… I didn't know that."

"Yeah, well, like I said, there's still things you don't know. It was for training, you never know what situation you may find yourself in, you know that."

"Yeah, well…" Sam didn't know what to say to that.

"Hey, whatever, if nothing else it taught me to face my fears."

"Right, because being buried alive is something you should be afraid of?"

"Look, I don't want to get into this right now, okay? We've had this discussion. Dad did what he thought was best, he trained me so I could keep us safe, and it worked, no matter the method, no matter if we agree with it or not, it's worked. End of discussion."

"Yeah, okay."

"I thought you wanted to hear what's been going through my head? Not debate Dad's techniques."

"Yeah, I do, sorry. Go ahead."

"Like I was saying… after I had those images, or dreams, or whatever, I knew we had to go back, I knew there was something there. That's why I told you to burn the pile, I knew there was something under it. I can't explain it. Just like, I can't explain how I know I could bring you into the light with me. Something, I don't know, not like a voice, more like a… feeling? Told me you should be there with me, enjoying the comfort of the light. And, it told me I could bring you there, that it was possible. I don't know how, except for what the darkness told me, that all you have to do is want it. But, I know, somehow, it's possible. And I know if I really wanted to I could do it without a problem."

"How?"

"Like I said, I don't know how. It's just like I know things, but not completely know them. I'll just, I don't know, act without thinking, just preform motions… actions… and they just turn out the way I expected them to… Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm starting to sound crazy, aren't I?"

Sam chuckled. "Dude, you've been sounding crazy for days, don't worry about it, that's what I'm here for, to try and fix it."

"What if you can't?"

"I will."

"I don't want to bring you into the light. I don't want you to be one of them."

"I don't want to either, don't worry about it, I can handle myself, you just worry about you, okay?"

"Yeah."

Silence fell in the room, causing Dean to shift positions again. He always had a problem staying still, but this felt different. He couldn't really explain the feeling, but it wasn't the same as feeling cooped up, or enclosed within the walls of the motel room. It was more like, if he couldn't sleep, then he needed to leave the room, so he could experience the outdoors, experience the positive things in life, so his good memories could come back. It felt almost like an addiction. Like he needed the light to keep him going. He needed the positive images in his head or he wouldn't be able to breathe.

"Dean, you okay?"

Sam's concern brought Dean's attention back to himself. He was hyperventilating. He was in an almost panic like state. He felt like his lungs were closing in on him.

"I need to go outside, get some fresh air."

"Dean, you need to stay in here, keep your mind clear."

"I can't, Sammy, I can't, I'm sorry."

Dean had a panic in his voice as he jumped from the bed and made his way out the door. Sam followed close behind, stopping him from walking away from the motel. Dean stood, with his back against the bricks that lined the outside of the motel. He was gasping for air, bent over, with his hands on his knees. Sam placed a hand on his shoulder, using a soothing voice to calm him down. Once his breathing was back under control, he took a moment to look around the parking lot.

"I remember the first time we ever stayed in a motel room." Dean chuckled. "It was the night Mom died. Dad tried to make it sound like fun, but it wasn't. I remember I was so excited, it sounded like it was going to be like a sleep over. I had never had one, but I had heard about them, or watched it on tv, I'm not sure which. But it wasn't fun. In the darkness, I remember Dad being an empty shell. Well, not completely empty, I mean he still managed to have some anger that he kept somewhere inside, but…"

Dean's voice trailed off.

"Dean?"

Sam pulled his thoughts back. "I blamed myself, for what happened that night. I thought I was bad, that's why Mom left. I didn't understand death or the demon or any of that. I thought if I was good then she would come back, but she never did, and Dad, he just got so hateful."

Dean paused again, then continued. "But, in the light, it all looked different. I saw the brokenness in Dad's eyes. The sadness and concern for us. I saw him overwhelmed with his new, unexpected life. He was an empty shell because he was depressed and wasn't sure what to do. It was like… like I could feel his emotions, not my own, his. He was scared, and worried about us. He wasn't sure what to do, so he did nothing, not wanting to screw things up."

Again, Dean took a quick pause, gathering his thoughts. "But what he didn't know was that by not doing anything, that screwed things up. That screwed me up."

Dean had a tear escape from his eye and run down his face. He quickly wiped it away. Sam gently guided Dean by his shoulder back into the room.

"So, you had the same memories in both, the darkness and the light, only from different perspectives?"

"Not all of them, but some, yes."

"What ones didn't happen in both?"

"Well, the things that causes nothing but nightmares. The things that other people did to me, or that had no reason behind it. Those were only in the darkness. There was no good in those times, only pain and heartache."

Dean again, wiped a tear from his face. "And, likewise, the things that were only good memories, like you and me, playing at the park when we were little, or the memories of before Mom died. The times you and I would sit and talk and laugh and be… brothers… those were only in the light, because there was no darkness in them."

Dean smiled when he mentioned those memories, then he continued. "Those are the memories I want to keep. The reason I want to stay in the light, stay in the happiness and love."

Dean wiped some more tears from his face as his memories came flooding back. "Sam, I want to feel that love again, it's been so long, man. So long since I've felt that happy. So long since I've felt so much peace and comfort. I don't even remember the last time I felt so safe, the last time I just sat and laughed and enjoyed the interaction with… well with anyone."

Sam's heart felt broken. He knew his brother had learned how to wear a mask a long time ago. Over the past couple of years, he had learned so much about Dean and the sacrifices he's made in life, but no story about his hardships could ever prepare him for the confession that was just spoken into the air. Dean couldn't remember when the last time he felt safe was? Or, the last time he was at peace with himself, with the world, with anything.

And Loved? He hasn't felt loved? Sam loved him, he was his big brother, the only person who was ever there for him, of course he loved him, couldn't Dean see that? Maybe that wasn't enough? Maybe he needed to feel the love from his parents. John had quit showing Dean love the night their family changed. Which means, he lost the love of both parents on the same night.

Sam, honestly, couldn't remember the last time they had just sat and talked about nothing and just laughed. He couldn't remember when the last time they had just been brothers, and not trying to save each other. Sure, he guesses there were small moments here and there, but they were drowned out by the life they lived, by another monster, or takenaway by someone who needed saved more than they needed the break.

"Dean, I'm sorry, I know I've been a crappy brother. And, I know we've had a crappy life, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you don't feel happy, or safe, or even loved."

"It doesn't matter, Sam. It is what it is. I've gotten used to it, but just feeling those things again, it… it reminded me what it felt like, and I just, even if just for a moment, I wanted to embrace it, to soak it all up, to stay there. Because, the thing is, it might be another 30 years before I ever get the chance to feel those things again."

"Dean, I love you, you do know that, right?"

"Sam, this isn't about that."

"Yeah, it is, partly anyhow. I mean, you've sacrificed so much for me. You've literally given your life for me. You gave up your happiness, your freedom, your safety, your need for love, everything… just for me. Just to make sure I was happy and safe and loved. And, I have never really taken the time to notice it, to thank you for it, to make sure that you, yourself, was happy and safe. I just… I just assumed you were, I guess. I don't know, I guess, honestly, I never really thought about it, and for that, I'm truly sorry."

"It's in the past, Sam, let's move on."

"It's not that easy for me."

"Right, because you need the 'caring and sharing, chick flick moments'."

"Um… if memory serves me correctly, which I'm sure it does, you've been the one needing the chick moments and a shoulder to cry on over the past couple weeks."

"Dude! Just shut up, bitch!"

"Jerk!"

Both brothers, smiled at each other, knowing everything was going to be okay. They still had each other, and that's really all that mattered, they would always find a way to push on, to get through anything, as long as they had each other.


	5. Chapter 5

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 5

Dean became more and more restless, more irritated the longer he pushed himself from returning to the light. It was like an addiction, and he needed his fix. He had taken countless showers, moved to every inch of the room, left an imprint in the carpet where he paced back and forth for so long.

Sam felt helpless. He knew this was miserable for Dean, but there wasn't anything he could do, except sit and watch his brother slowly go insane while he, at least pretended, to be preoccupied by the screen on his laptop.

"I can't do this, Sam!"

"Yes, you can, you're doing good!"

"NO! No, I'm not! Man, I'm going crazy, and I'm tired as hell, and I think I've taken all the showers I can stand. I can't drink any more caffeine. I just need to sleep!"

"You can't!"

"I'm going crazy here, man! I can't do this shit anymore!"

"Yes, you can, I'm not going to let you become one of those things, no matter what we gotta do, I'm not going to let you go down that road."

"Yeah, sure, that's easy for you to say!" Dean's irritation was obvious in his voice. "You're not the one going through hell here!"

"Dean, it's not that bad."

"Yes, it is! How the hell would you know? You're not going through this. You don't know what this feels like."

Sam sat the laptop beside him, adjusted his seated position. "So, tell me then."

"What?"

"Tell me. What's it feel like?"

"Man." Dean just shook his head. "Just forget it."

"No, tell me, Dean. Sit down, and talk to me."

Dean sat on the edge of his bed. "I don't know how to explain it. I just… I need it okay? I need the… the comfort, the good feeling. I just… I need it, more than you could possibly imagine."

"It's become an addiction?"

"Man, I'm not addicted to shit! Just shut the hell up!"

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Not what it looks like to me, I mean, come on Dean. Call it what it is, you're restless, you're getting way more irritated than normal, your hands are shaking, hell your whole body goes through trembles. You're sweating. Need I go on?"

"Bitch!"

"Jerk!"

Dean stood, pacing the floor again. "Man, forget this shit! I'm going to sleep, damn it!"

"Dean, you can't."

"Yeah? Watch me!"

Dean fell on his stomach on his bed and buried his face in his pillow.

"This is what it wants, why can't you see that, Dean? It wants you to need it, to not want to leave it, that's how it's going to turn you."

"It's just sleep, Sam."

"Really? And what the hell do you think you're going to dream of? Huh?"

"So, you think I'm just going to go to sleep and wake up some fuggily ass creature?"

"I don't know. I don't know how any of this works, but neither do you, and do you really wanna take the chance?"

Dean pulled the knife out from under his pillow and the gun from his waistband, he laid both on the table between the beds and pushed them Sam's direction. "Yeah, I do."

It only took him just a short minute for his breathing to change. For the lightness to take over.

 _Dean's mind was in a turmoil, he wasn't sure what way to go, or what to think. At first, the lightness had taken over, but, at the edges was the darkness, lurking, waiting to overtake the light._

 _Dean saw an image of a memory. Sam had gotten hurt on a hunt. Dean, like always, took the blame for Sam's mistake. He had to. Dad was pissed and he knew his anger would take over, and he would need someone to lash out at. Sam's eyes begged Dean not to put himself through that, but Dean couldn't let Sam see the true colors of their dad. He couldn't let him see his anger. He loved his little brother too much for that, besides it was his job to keep him safe, and that included keeping him safe from their dad._

 _Dad made Dean patch his brother up. He didn't want anything to do with it, since it was Dean's fault. But, he didn't mind, he would rather be the one to take care of Sam anyhow, and truth be known, Sam would rather have Dean too. Dean was comfortable. Dean was love. Sam knew that. Dean could see it in Sam's eyes._

 _He cleaned his brother up, and patched what need to be sewed and bandaged. He gave him some pills for the pain and made sure he had a glass of water beside him. He had tucked his brother into bed, no matter how much Sam acted like he wanted to protest that he wasn't a kid anymore, Dean was going to make sure he was well taken care of regardless._

 _Once Sam was asleep from the effects of the pain meds Dean had purposely given him. John let his anger out. Dean was expecting it, that's the reason he had chosen to give his brother something that would keep him out of it._

 _His dad started screaming at him, throwing punches. There was no love in his eyes, nothing that showed he regretted what he was doing. Dean looked around, the darkness had creeped in, it was taking over the light. 'No' Dean thought to himself, he wanted the light, he wanted the love and the comfort. This, this was pain, this was heartache. He didn't want this. He wanted the good feeling._

 _His dad yelled at him about being more careful, about how he could have gotten his brother killed. The fact that it couldn't have possibly been Dean's fault didn't matter. He took the blame so John was going to let him take the punishment too. At some point his head had shattered the mirror above the sink._

 _He tried to escape. He tried to leave the memory, to find a different one, to find the light again, but he couldn't. He was stuck. He couldn't move from this darkness. It was wrapping itself around him, holding him in place, watching the pain that was inflicted on him._

 _Dean fought, he struggled to get away, pulled himself from the darkness. Falling backwards, he landed on his back, but, he was in the light again. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to feel this fear while in the light. The light was supposed to be a peaceful place. It was his comfort, not his fear, not his panic._

 _He realized he was starting to panic, fear was building inside of him. He was scared to move, scared to see anymore, he didn't want the darkness taking over the good memories again. He chose to lay on the floor, curled into a ball, too afraid to move, too afraid the light would leave again._

 _He laid there, shaking, filled with fear, but also full of the need to fill the emptiness, the need to fill the fear with peace. He had this need to move on closer to the warmth of the light. With shaking arms, he pushed himself into a seated position. His legs equally as shaky when he stood. With hesitation, he made his way down what looked like a long hall way._

 _It wasn't the comfortable cloud that he remembered from the light. This took effort to move forward. It was almost too much, he was ready to just lay down, to give up, completely. But, if he just kept going, just a little further, maybe he would find the light he was looking for. Maybe he would find the warmth he was itching to find._

 _As he walked, the memories, the images, started coming to him. They started slowly making their way, surrounding him in a circle of memories. At first, they were all good memories. He watched his brother laugh. He watched his dad give him an approval pat on the back. He saw the proud look in his dad's eyes when he looked at him. He watched his dad beam with pride as Dean's hunting skills became as good as his. He watched Sam graduate high school._

 _Then, the darkness started making its way into the images. He watched as his dad was proud of his hunting skills, he was proud that Dean killed the monster, but followed it up with the comment of him needing more training, that even though, he did everything right, it still wasn't good enough. Then, he saw the concern in his dad's eyes as he made him start the training process, running from his dad, hiding, to protect himself. And he watched as the love and concern left his dad's eyes as he beat him when he was caught._

" _No! NO!" Dean screamed into the light that was mixed with the darkness. "Stop! Just stop! This isn't the way it's supposed to be, this isn't right, I need the light, I need the comfort, not this!" He screamed into the emptiness._

 _The memories had turned dark again. He wanted nothing more than to escape it, he needed to wake up, to leave this nightmare, but, what if he could push on, just a little further, maybe the light would be there? He NEEDED it, and hadn't found what he needed yet._

 _Maybe Sam was right? Maybe it's an addiction, really, it didn't matter, as long as he found what he needed he didn't care what it was called. He pushed his way through the darkness, it was hard. The darkness was thick, it took a lot of effort, but he managed. It almost completely drained every ounce of strength he had, but he needed to get away from it, he needed to find the light._

 _Everything around him was different. It was more of a gray. Not light, not dark, kind of like a cloudy day, with thick, gray rain clouds. This wasn't right. This wasn't what he wanted either. He turned, looking all around him, he felt like he was spinning, like the empty grayness around him was spinning, faster and faster. He didn't feel the comfortable warmth, but he didn't feel the overwhelming fear filled panic either. It was more like a nothingness. Like an emptiness. Like the way he felt every day of his life._

 _He wanted his dad back. He had never wanted him so much. He wasn't sure why, he supposed what he really wanted was the light filled memories of his dad. Those were the snapshots of the dad he remembered, the dad he longed for his whole life. The dad he wanted back._

" _Dad! Dad!" Dean started crying out for him, he had hoped he was nearby, that he could hear him calling for him. He needed him to save him. He needed to be saved, but he never came. Why wouldn't he come? Maybe Sam would?_

" _Sam! Sam!" Dean yelled. "Sam, help! SAMMM save me!" There was no reply. "Sam!" Dean had lost all will to push on. He curled onto the floor again, shaking, and sweating. He needed his 'fix' as Sam called it, but, he wasn't able to find it. Something was wrong. Something was blocking his light. The darkness had come in._

' _Okay, Dean, think, think, think of the light, not the darkness. Your mind is too screwed up, you've let Sam get into your head, let him mess it all up. Just think of the light. You have to want it.'_

 _Dean was trying hard to straighten his mind, he needed to concentrate on what he wanted. If Sam would come here with him, then he would understand. He would understand how much he's messed it all up. He would understand how much he needed the light to keep him strong, to keep him going._

 _He wasn't strong right now, he was curled in a ball on the floor. He was at the weakest point he could possibly be. He needed to warmth to fill him, to give him strength._

Dean slept restless. He tossed and turned, not the peacefulness he had the past couple nights. He mumbled, and fought the air around him. He had called out for their dad and for Sam.

Sam desperately tried to wake him. Somehow, he wasn't able to get through to him. Dean couldn't hear him, or feel him shaking him. Dean was lying in a pool of sweat.

"Oh god, Dean, you're burning up, man, come on you gotta wake up for me."

There was no reply. Sam knew it was desperate measures, but the situation called for it. He had filled the tub full of cold water and carried Dean into the bathroom, placing him in the coldness. He had hoped it would wake him, it at least should have warranted some type of response. But, there was nothing. Nothing except what was going on in his dreams. He hadn't even registered that there was another world beyond what was in his head.

Feeling the defeat, he dried Dean off, putting him in dry clothes and warming him back up. He carried him back to the bed, watching him fight his own mind.

A tear fell down Sam's face. "Hey, Dean, if you can hear me, I really need you to at least give me a sign, man. I need you to come back to me. I need you to wake up. You can't do this to me! You can't turn into one of those. You can't make me have to keep my promise to you. Its… it's not fair! I can't do that, and you know it, you need to wake up and let me save you. Please!"

Sam was crying and begging to a sleeping Dean. He was more than just sleeping. He was lost, lost in his own head. A place that has brought him both comfort and pain. He was trapped, that Sam could tell. Dean was fighting, but what he was fighting against he wasn't sure. Maybe he was fighting to wake up? Maybe he was fighting to stay asleep?

Sam could understand the turmoil Dean must be feeling. He knew his life wasn't easy, and honestly, he couldn't blame him if he chose to stay asleep, to avoid the heartache life brought, but he knew Dean well enough to know he wouldn't want that if it meant he became a monster. He especially wouldn't want that if it meant Sam would have to kill him. He would do anything to save Sam from having to do that.

"Come on, Dean, you can't do this to me. It's your job to protect me, to keep me safe, right? How the hell is making me have to burn you keeping me safe? How the hell is that supposed to protect me? How the hell do you expect me to live with that? How the hell do you expect me to live with myself?"

There was still no change in Dean. Sam had grabbed his hand and held on tightly. He was pleading with him to wake up. He needed him, he needed him to wake up. If Dean had an addiction to the light and needed a fix, then Sam had an equal addiction, it was his brother. He needed him, Sam needed his 'fix' he needed Dean to wake up, to be there with him, to help him and support him. He couldn't do this without him.

At one point, he thought he could. He had even left him, and their dad, and thought he would be able to have a normal life, get a college degree and live the apple pie life. But, it wasn't that easy. It took him awhile to figure out how to live any way besides the way he was raised.

Some of it he enjoyed, but the hardest part was not having Dean there. There were more times than he would ever admit that he wished Dean was with him. He needed someone to talk to, someone who loved and supported him, someone to tell him he was doing a good job. But, he didn't have that. Not until he met Jess.

But, now even she was gone. The same way their mom was. And, Dad, he was gone too. Dean was all he had left, but, he was also all he needed. He knew there was no going back for him. There was never going to be a such thing as a normal life for him, there was only this life, and despite what he once thought, this was all he would ever have, and there was no way he could do it without his brother. There was no way he would want to do this without Dean.

"Dude, I can't do this without you. There's no way in hell I'll be able to keep going with you gone, especially if… if… I have to… you know, light you up, keep the promise you made me make, keep you from hurting anyone." Sam's tears were falling, unchecked. He continued to hold on tight to his brother's hand.

 _Dean tried to get back up, he decided he needed to, that was the only way he would be able to find the light. But, for some reason he couldn't. His hand, it felt too heavy. He couldn't lift it. There was something holding it down. The rest of his body was free to move, but the one hand he couldn't seem to get it to work._

 _Confusion had set in, he couldn't manage to fight the feeling, to pull himself away from the weight. He stretched out with his other hand, trying to reach anything that was away from where he felt stuck. He needed to find the light, no matter what it took. 'maybe it's within reach' he thought to himself, but as he reached out the only thing he could feel was the thickness of the clouds._

 _The gray clouds seemed to be floating closer to him. They were surrounding him. They started choking him, making him feel like he couldn't breathe. He was feeling suffocated by the clouds that were now surrounding him, squeezing his body, tighter and tighter._

 _Dean couldn't hold the cries in. He cried out in pain as the clouds seemed to be pressing a weight against his body that he couldn't handle. It was causing pain. Not the same pain the darkness caused, that was an emotional pain. The gray, it was causing a physical pain, one that caused him to cry out in pain. One that took his breath away as it constricted his chest._

 _He was frozen. The pressure coming from everywhere. He couldn't seem to move, or fight. The same weight that held his hand in place was now holding his shoulders down. He felt it move from his shoulders to his chest, back to his shoulders, then to his head, and once again, ended on his shoulders._

 _His mind was swimming. He couldn't think. There was no oxygen in his body. He felt like he was…dying. "NO!" he cried out through the pain. 'I can't be dying, I can't' he thought to himself. 'Sammy, Sammy needs me, I can't leave him. I can't die'!_

 _Soon, the only thought that he could manage to pull up was one simple word. But, the most important word of his life. The strongest word, the one strong enough to break through the pain and confusion. The one word that gave him the strength to manage to make sound come past his lips, despite the lack of oxygen, despite the logic. He needed to scream, he needed to scream his word, more than he needed to find the light._

"SAM!"


	6. Chapter 6

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 6

"SAM!"

Dean screamed, but was unable to wake.

"Dean? Hey man, I'm here, I'm right here, wake up, okay? Wake up."

Dean struggled and tossed his body in his sleep. Sam removed his hand from Dean's placing both hands on Dean's shoulders to try to calm him, he tried to hold him still so he wouldn't hurt himself. Then, he held Dean's head still for a minute while he tried to thrash it about, moving back to holding his shoulders still, then regained his grip on Dean's hand.

Dean seemed to respond to Sam's touch, but also appeared to be fighting to open his eyes. He still wasn't sure if Dean was fighting to stay asleep or to wake up.

"Hey, Dean, it's me, Sam. Remember me? You know, your brother. I need you to wake up, okay? Please, you've always said you would do anything for me, and I really need you to do this, for me, okay?"

Sam tightened his grip on Dean's hand, praying to anyone out there that would listen, to help his brother wake up.

 _The panic inside of Dean was rising. He didn't know what way to turn, he didn't know where to go. Fear was gripping him. He was afraid, if he went the wrong way, he would run into the darkness, but if he managed to go the right way, then he would find the light._

 _He managed to struggle his way away from the gray clouds that suffocated him. Images started swirling around him, making him feel dizzy. They didn't make any sense, didn't have any rhythm to them. They were a mixture of comfort and pain._

" _Dean! I thought I told you to make sure this damn place was cleaned before I got back?"_

" _Yes sir, and I cleaned the weapons you told me to, but, Sam needed help with his homework when I finished that, then after I had him take his bath and fixed his supper, he got sick, and I've been helping him feel better and had to clean his vomit and…"_

 _The hard slap across his face stopped him mid-sentence._

" _I don't remember asking you for excuses!" His dad shouted as he pulled his belt loose from his pants._

 _Dean gulped hard. "No, sir, I'm sorry, sir." His hands were rubbing against his pants, trembling with the certainty of what was coming next._

" _Pants down, hands against the wall." It was a direct order that Dean knew not to disobey, or hesitate on following._

 _The belt hit his skin hard. He already didn't have a shirt on, and his other clothing was dropped to his ankles. He stood, tilted toward the wall, pressing his hands against it to hold himself up. He pushed back the tears that the pain threatened to bring to his eyes with each strike of the belt. He held back the cries of pain that he wanted to allow to escape. If he dad dare see him cry, or express pain, that would only mean more punishment for him._

 _Once his dad had decided Dean's punishment had been enough, once the blood was running down from the small of his back to his thighs, he ordered him to pull his pants back up and to clean the small one bedroom apartment they had been staying in. Without hesitation, Dean did as he was told._

 _He was exhausted from the long day he had with a sick Sam, plus the other orders he had to follow out through the day, on top of the physical punishment he just endured, had him working slowly through the night. At times, he fought just to stay awake. He was sure there were times he would stand in the middle of the room, dazed, not moving._

 _The next memory, he and his dad had just finished a rough hunt. It was the first one that Dean had worked that involved kids. He was used to adults becoming victims of these monsters, but not kids. He took it hard. It made him think of Sammy, and worry about his brother's safety._

 _John had sent Sam to Bobby's for this hunt, he needed to make sure his youngest son was as far away as possible, and safe. They had managed to find the monster, but they were too late to save its latest victim. There, laying on the ground, was a little blonde headed boy, he was only 6 years old. He never got a chance to experience life. Dean figured that was both a good and bad thing. But, still, he couldn't help but make it personal._

 _That night, John held Dean in his arms. He was only 13 years old, barely a teenager. John had allowed him to express himself, to let his emotions out that night. He explained to Dean that sometimes, when the hunt is over and everyone is safe, or the monster is killed, that when its been a tough case, it's okay to let your emotions out._

 _He explained to him that's why he drinks so much, that's his way of dealing with his emotions. But, as a 13 year old boy, Dean's way of dealing was crying in his dad's chest. He released every tear he had ever held in. And, John let him, he held him, and comforted him, allowing him to do what was needed to make it through this hunt._

 _It was one of the only times he remembers his dad being that comforting. It was one of the only times he remembers his dad being that understanding. His dad expressed love in a way he hadn't done for almost 10 years._

 _The next memory was of the night Sam left for college. He glanced up, while his dad tied his hands to the bed, he focused on the look in his dad's eyes. The pure hatred, the blame he was placing on Dean, the darkness that filled his dad's eyes was enough to make him shutter. He didn't care what Dean was about to face. He honestly thought his oldest son deserved it._

 _He thought that allowing his brother to be an individual was a bad enough crime to warrant this type of punishment. Dean had allowed himself to believe it too. It made it easier to deal with the after effects of that night. But, now he realized it was done out of pure hatred, not as a lesson or punishment. Just, for the simple fact, that his dad was pissed and had to drown his emotions in alcohol, and if he was going to get it for free, well that was an offer he couldn't refuse, especially since it really had nothing to do with John._

 _The next image that he looked at that swirled around him was a comforting one, again. It was Sam, Dean wasn't sure what the memory was, but Sam was laughing, a genuine laugh. He was truly happy. Perhaps, he was laughing at some joke, or something he saw on tv. There was no worry in his eyes, no painful expression on his face, nothing that suggested he was trying to hide any emotions. Just, pure joy and happiness._

 _He figured Sam was around 14 or 15, he was old enough to have been on hunts himself, yet, something had made him generally happy. That made Dean smile, he was glad to see that even through all the crap they have been through that Sam was still able to find joy in life._

 _Dean noticed, the majority of his comforting memories were of Sam, and his painful ones were of his dad. Tears welled up in Dean's eyes. His head was swirling. He was dizzy. The images were swirling around him, like he was in the middle of a tornado. A tornado of images of memories, that wouldn't stop. He was in the eye of the storm._

 _Sam, he needed to get back to Sam. He was the only thing that held him together. He was his 'happy'. But, Dean wasn't sure how. He had lost his way, wasn't sure where he was, or honestly, what was going on. Somehow, he needed to… what was it he needed to do again? He needed to go somewhere… but where? And, why? His head spun faster as he dropped to his knees, no longer able to stand._

 _He felt like he needed to vomit, but he couldn't. He wasn't able to get enough oxygen into his lungs to vomit. Or, at least that's what it felt like. But, was it real? Was any of this real? What was this? Where was he? He shouldn't be here, he wasn't sure why, but he shouldn't be here. This was wrong._

 _He noticed another memory, it was an image of the creatures they killed in the cave. The ones that brought on the darkness, and the light. Dean grabbed his head with that memory, the pain that shot through his brain was more than he could handle. With both hands, squeezing the sides of his head, he couldn't hold in the screams of pain._

 _The pain was accompanied by a loud, squealing noise. It was deafening. He couldn't think, couldn't wrap his head around anything that was happening. The only thing he could think of was that he needed to get away. He wasn't sure what he was trying to get away from, or where he needed to go, but he needed to somehow escape, something._

Sam watched as Dean tossed in his sleep. His heart sunk a little more with each expression of pain that crossed Dean's face. He would calm, then show the signs of uncomfortableness, of pain, only to calm again. The times that each change took place seemed too long, yet, too short at the same time.

It was like his brain kept shifting from one emotion to another, Sam didn't lose contact with him. He held onto Dean tightly. He was afraid of losing him. He was afraid, if he let go, Dean would morph into one of the creatures, right in front of his eyes.

Suddenly, Dean grabbed his head, both hands, flying to each side, squeezing tightly. Sam's hand was lost in the grip between Dean's head and his hand. He could feel the pulse of his heart through the side of his head. Pounding way too fast. He was in a panic.

Dean's screams filled the silence. It was a painful, panic filled, scream. He tightened his hands against his head as his expression showed nothing but pure terror.

"Dean! Oh my god, Dean, please. Dean, wake up for me, please."

Sam wasn't sure if Dean could even hear him, especially over his screams, but it made him feel better, being able to talk to his brother. He thought, maybe if he could just get a simple sound past Dean's mind that it would pull him back, just enough to keep him from turning into something else.

"Dean, I really need you right now, if you can hear me, I need you to come back, okay? I…." The tears filled Sam's eyes. "I need you, I'm alone right now. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I need you to tell me what to do."

Sam felt helpless, hopeless. His brother tossed around, holding his own head, screaming in pain, terror filling his features on his face.

"Shhh, shhh, Dean, it's okay, man, it's okay, I'm right here, it's okay."

Sam wiped the sweat off Dean's forehead as he tried to verbally calm him. He realized his hand was trembling as he wiped his brother's head. The tears started falling down his face, dropping onto the bed beside where Dean's body laid. Sam started to feel sick, like he wanted to vomit. He wasn't sure why, or where it came from. He noticed his brother's breathing become fast and shallow, like he was struggling to breathe.

At the same time, Sam started to feel like the air in room was getting thicker, leaving a heavy feeling surrounding him. He wondered if what he was feeling was anything like Dean was feeling. He figured it probably was. He couldn't come up with any other explanation. Whatever was going on in Dean's head, was strong enough that it was escaping into the room, it was radiating off Dean and onto Sam. Or, they were just that connected. That was a possibility too, Sam guessed. It wouldn't be the first time they had felt each other's emotions.

Sam figured, they had spent enough time together, they were basically carbon copies of each other. Sure, they had their own individuality. Their own little quirks that kept them… well themselves, that made them each who they were. But, the important stuff, they were practically identical. They could carry on an entire conversation without speaking a word.

"That's it!" Sam said out loud, breaking the thoughts in his head. Dean's screams had died down to a whimper. "I've been going about this all wrong." Sam stated again, he wasn't worried about sounding crazy. There was no one around to hear him anyhow. Sam figured, instead of talking to Dean, he needed to use their special code. He needed to communicate without speaking. It was almost scary how well they could hear each other when no one said a word.

'Okay, Dean, you need to hear me.' Sam closed his eyes and started allowing himself to connect to his brother, and his thoughts to bury deep into Dean. 'You need to wake up, brother. I need you. I'm your baby brother, Sam. Remember me? I need you, man. I need you to wake up. You're not safe where you are, and I need you to be safe.'

Sam could feel Dean connecting to him. He couldn't see what Dean was seeing, but he started feeling his emotions. The darkness and the light. The confusion that swam between them. The heartache, and the peacefulness that mixed with each other. It brought tears back to Sam's eyes. He was feeling too overwhelmed.

He started wondering if this was what he really wanted to do, or if it would prove to be too much for him. He hadn't expected the intensity running wild through Dean. 'Yes!' Sam decided, 'I need to do this! I need you back Dean. No matter what I've gotta go through, I know it's worse for you. I'd do anything for you, you know that. Just like, I know you would do anything for me.' Sam allowed himself to connect deeper to Dean, he was hoping that maybe, the intensity he was feeling, was releasing it from Dean.

'Hey, Dean, okay, so… you know the crap you're feeling? Yeah, well, I'm feeling it too. Maybe not as strong as you are, but Its still there, in me. I don't know how much of it I can handle, its intense! If you want me to feel better, if you want it to go away from me, then you gotta wake up. If you'll truly do anything for me, then you'll do this. You'll wake up, make this stop.'

Sam was filled with a heartache he had never felt before. He had this darkness that seemed to fill his chest. He was finding it hard to think straight, the air felt thick, too thick for his lungs. He tightened his grip he had on Dean's hands. The pain in Sam's head was starting to intensify. He wasn't sure when the pain had started, or where it came from. But, it was undoubtedly there. He wondered if that was a bit of what Dean had been feeling.

'Dean, its getting to be too much. I can't… I can't continue this… I can't handle this, man. I need you to make it stop, please, Dean, make it stop.'

Where was he? Where was Dean? Sam's thoughts were getting clouded, he wasn't sure what was happening, what he was doing. He… Dean… he was… doing something with Dean, but, what? Sam couldn't remember. He felt so confused.

'Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean.'

The only thing Sam could seem to get through his thoughts was his brother's name. That was the only thing that was important. 'DEAN!' He wasn't sure why, but in his thoughts, he started shouting his brother's name. He needed to find Dean, but, where was he? Where was Sam supposed to start looking? Or was he supposed to be looking? Maybe Dean was supposed to be finding him? Was Sam lost? Or, was Dean lost?

'Dean, I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's happening. I need you to help me.' Sam's thoughts turned to begging. 'Please, Dean, please. I need your help, I don't know why, but I need you right now, please.'

Sam wasn't sure if he was speaking or thinking, it didn't seem to matter. Nothing else made sense, so why should that? All he was sure of, was that he needed his brother, for some reason, somehow, he need Dean.

Suddenly, without warning, a loud scream filled Sam's head. It wasn't filling his ears, there was no one around him screaming, it was only in his head. Or at least, that's what he could manage to figure out, rather it was truth or not, he wasn't sure. He wasn't completely sure of anything anymore.

 _Dean's confusion started to calm some, Sam, was Sam there? He felt like Sam was there. Maybe he was going to save him? Maybe Sam was there to rescue him, but, if he was, where was he?_

 _Dean called for him, but couldn't find him anywhere. The pain in his head had lessened since he started sensing his brother. He just wished he could see him. He would feel better if he could. He would feel safe again. That's all he wanted, to feel safe. But, he wasn't even sure where he was at. He wasn't sure what was going on._

 _All he knew, was that he needed to find Sam. He didn't know how, but he could feel him, somewhere. Could he hear him too? He couldn't make out any words, but he was sure he could hear him. It didn't sound like the same as the sounds from the memories that circled around him. This… this sounded real. It sounded like… like Sam._

" _Sam! Sam!" All Dean could seem to do was call his brother's name. Everything else, was a ball of confusion. The only thing he was clear on was his need for Sam._


	7. Chapter 7

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 7

 _Dean tried to reach out, but his arms felt weighed down again. He tried to push the weight away, but it seemed to only hold on tighter._

Sam was holding tight to Dean's hands, keeping the needed connection to try to bring him back. Dean was still fighting, still struggling in his unconscious state, but as he tried to pull his hands away from Sam's, tried to break the contact, Sam just squeezed them tighter, he knew their lives depended on the contact they had managed to gain.

 _Sam_

 _Sam_

 _Sam_

 _The only word that seemed to be able to come to Dean's mind was "Sam"_

Dean

Dean

Dean

The only word that seemed to be able to come to Sam's mind was "Dean"

 _The weight, the hold… the hold… the hold… it wasn't a weight… it was a hold… something… someone… was holding onto him._

 _He recognized the feel. He didn't know from where, but it seemed familiar. Too familiar. But, what, or who, was it?_

 _Sam_

 _Sam_

 _Sam_

Sam held tightly to Dean's hands, willing him to return to him, willing him to come out of this state of… whatever state Dean was in… darkness? Light? Confusion?

Each time Dean tried to pull away, Sam would hold on tighter. He wasn't about to let his brother go, not like this.

Dean

Dean

Dean

 _There was a sharp pain. It started in Dean's head and radiated throughout his body. It felt like a lightening strike, mixed with pins and needles that filled his very being._

Sam couldn't hold back the cry of pain, almost losing his grip on Dean, when the pain struck him. It felt like… like a lightening bolt, hitting the top of his head and exiting the souls of his feet. He felt like the prickles of the sparks spread through his body, like they were trying to escape, but was trapped within the walls of his skin.

The air felt heavy, too heavy, he couldn't breathe. He tried, but wasn't having any success.

 _Dean felt like the jolt of pain caused his lungs to stop working, in a state of panic, he tightened his grip around Sam's hands. He needed to hold onto something. He needed to hold onto Sam._

 _Dean tried to take a breath, but couldn't. He grabbed onto Sam as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did?_

 _Sam! He was holding onto Sam! His brother was there! He couldn't see him, didn't matter, he could feel him, and they were holding onto each other. At least, if he was unable to take another breath, he wasn't alone. He was able to release some of the fear he had been holding onto. Sam's touch was a comfort._

 _His touch… his familiar touch… that's what's been holding him down, holding his hands, it was Sam. That's why it felt so familiar. But, why? Why was Sam there? He wasn't supposed to be, hell, Dean wasn't supposed to be there. But, why? Why wasn't he supposed to be there? He couldn't remember._

 _It wasn't safe. For some reason, Sam said it wasn't safe. It was…. dangerous… it… Damn it! Why couldn't he just remember. Sam… Sam would know. He figured, all he had to do was open his eyes, see Sam, open his mouth and speak. He could ask Sam, find out why he wasn't supposed to be there._

 _It took way more effort than it should have. Dean had never had to fight so hard to open his eyes, and even through all the fighting and will power, he still wasn't able to open them. But, he couldn't give up. He… he had to… umm… he had to… Sam… he had to ask Sam something… but what?_

 _Maybe it would come back to him later, but whatever it was, required him to open his eyes. Why did he need to open his eyes? What was the purpose in that? Sam…. He needed to see Sam. He needed to ask him something. To… Sam… why was Sam there? Why was Dean holding onto him so tightly? Why was Sam holding onto Dean equally as tight?_

 _Answers, he needed answers, but answers to what? To who he was? To where he was? To what was going on? Sure, all those seemed like logical questions. Questions he should already know the answers to, he supposed. But, he didn't. But, maybe Sam did? Maybe Sam would know… whatever it was… that Dean didn't know._

 _He continued to fight, just to open his eyes. Then, he realized he still wasn't breathing. How long had he not been breathing? Oh god, his lungs burned with the need for oxygen._

' _Open eyes and breathe, Dean, open eyes and breathe.'_

 _He kept repeating to himself over and over again, so he wouldn't forget, like he's been forgetting everything else._

Dean's eyes flew open in a fighting panic. He gasped deeply in an attempt to gain air into his lungs. The shock pulled Sam out of Dean's connection, allowing him the same much needed oxygen.

Both brothers took a moment to catch their breath. Dean sat, wide eyed, panic and fear filling his normally bright green eyes. Sam shook his head, trying to clear the feelings he had just experienced.

Sam looked up at Dean. He appeared confused, lost, like he wasn't sure where he was, or what had just happened. He looked to be on the defense. Like he would kill anything that looked suspicious.

"Hey." Sam said in a quiet, calm voice.

Dean didn't respond.

"Hey." Sam repeated. "Dean? You okay, man?"

This time, Dean moved his eyes to look at Sam, but didn't show any signs of acknowledgment. Sam swore Dean was looking straight through him.

"Dean? Hey, man, you good?"

Dean just stared. And, Sam sighed.

"Okay, well, your eyes are opened, you're awake, back in reality. So, that's good." Sam had started talking to himself again, hoping that something he said would make its way through Dean's brain.

Dean just stared, not sure what he was staring at, but he stared.

"Hey, its okay, Dean. I'm right here. You're okay now."

He gently placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, causing him to startle in surprise, like he didn't even realize anyone else was there with him. He turned his gaze to Sam's eyes, staring directly into his soul.

"Hey." Sam waited to see if Dean would respond. "Dean, I'm right here, man, it's okay, I got you."

Dean's expression softened ever so slightly, confusion taking the place of the defensiveness. He wasn't sure if this was real or not, he still wasn't sure about anything.

"Sss…..sssammy?"

"Yeah, yeah, man, I'm right here. You're gonna be okay, I'm right here."

"Sssammy?"

"Yeah, it's me. I'm right here."

"Ssssammm… whhh… wh…."

"Hey, it's okay, man, don't worry about anything, it's all okay now."

"Where are we?"

"We're in a motel, the same motel we've been in for the past few days."

Dean's brows crinkled with confusion as he glanced around the room. Nothing seemed to look familiar to him.

Dean shook his head. "No, this… this isn't right."

"What isn't, Dean?"

"We… we aren't supposed to be here… we haven't been here." Dean paused, glancing around again. "This isn't real, it's just a… a… memory?"

"Noooo, Dean. It's real, trust me. Why aren't we supposed to be here?"

"We…we…. Or, me? I don't know… I remember… a cave? We're… I'm… supposed to be in… a cave?"

"Oh, like hell you are!" Sam protested. "I'd be damned if you turn into one of those damn cave creatures. We've discussed this already. You're not supposed to be in a cave, Dean. You're supposed to be right here, with me."

Dean looked surprised at Sam's response. "Cave, what?"

Sam hesitated for a moment. "Cave creature?" Unsure if that's what he had called them or not.

Dean just nodded. "I'm a creature?"

"NO!" Sam sounded a bit more harsh than he meant to.

"Okay." Dean replied, sheepishly.

"Sorry, its just… well we've had this conversation."

"I don't remember."

"You were attacked. Yes, we were in a cave, and yes it was by some creatures who lived in the cave. And, somehow when they attacked you they… infected?... you. And are trying to turn you into one of them, by this darkness and this light and making you sleep and not want to wake up, or maybe, now I'm wondering, if its not only just 'want' but maybe they are making it to where you literally can't wake up?"

Dean looked double confused. "I… I remember the darkness… it… it was scary. I don't like the darkness. I don't like the feeling." Dean paused to gather his thoughts. "The light… I didn't mind the light, it felt nice, it was a happy place, but… then… I don't know, something changed."

Dean's body tensed up, he seemed to close in on himself. His body started trembling. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to remember the memories. Tears filled his eyes as the trembling in his body turned to shakes.

"Something is wrong, Sam. Something isn't right. I don't know what, but, I don't feel right."

"Okay, Dean, I need for you to tell me exactly what you are feeling, what doesn't feel right?"

Dean paused, taking inventory of himself. "I… I feel, wrong, like…" He rubbed his hands up and down his own body. "Like I'm the wrong person? In the wrong body?" He crinkled his forehead. "Does that even make sense?"

"I mean, nothing has made sense lately, but, what body do you feel like you should be in?"

"I don't know."

"The one living in the cave?" Sam asked, concerned that his reply wasn't going to be one he liked.

"Yeah, I guess." Dean's frustration grew. "I don't know, I really don't!"

"It's okay, Dean. Just stay calm, okay? We'll figure this out."

Dean nodded his head. "Sssam.."

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"It's going to be okay." Sam grasped Dean's trembling hand.

"I don't want to go back there, please, Sam don't make me go back." Dean's voice was trembling.

"Dean, I'm not going to make you go back anywhere. I need you to stay right here, with me."

Dean nodded, agreeing that's where he wanted to be, as a tear slipped from his eye and ran down his cheek.

"Hey." Sam said calmly, rubbing his thumb on Dean's hand as he continued to hold on to it. "I got you, okay? I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I pulled you out of there once, and I'll do it again if I need to."

Sam couldn't help but notice how child like Dean was, and the fact he was wrapping his free hand into the edge of Sam's shirt again, didn't help him look any less childish.

"Sam, I don't want you to go where I was, ever. Please! Don't go there, its… its scary, really, really scary."

"Yeah, Dean. I know. I connected with you, to pull you out of there, and just what I felt, was so overwhelming I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I honestly, couldn't even begin to imagine what you were feeling, or how you were able to handle it."

Dean just shrugged his shoulders, continuing to wrap his fingers in the edge of Sam's shirt. He had also started intertwining his fingers into Sam's with the hand that Sam was holding.

"Dean, you okay?" Sam was sincerely concerned that what Dean had just experienced was still having a strong negative effect on him.

Again, Dean just shrugged his shoulders. Sam could see how Dean kept folding in on himself, like he was trying to escape everything, including himself.

"Hey." Sam spoke as gentle as he could, trying not to spook his brother or let his concern show. "Talk to me, what's going on? What are you feeling?"

Dean's eyes looked wild when he raised his head to look at this brother. They were wild and wet with unshed tears. The fear, or was it pain? Sam guessed a mixture of both, was evident on his face. What had Dean just went through? And, was he able to come out of this without permanent damage?

He wondered if there was any way to stop the effects of the curse, or was his brother doomed to become one of those things. Was Sam going to have to kill his own brother? He shook his head, mentally shaking the thoughts from his mind. There was no way he was going to allow that to happen. No matter what it took, he was going to protect Dean from that fate.

Sam looked deep into Dean's wild looking eyes, searching for even the smallest sliver of the brother he knew and loved. He wasn't sure, but, he didn't seem to be able to find anything. He knew, in normal circumstances he would tell his brother to rest, that he would feel better when he woke, but sleep is what caused this, so that was out of the question.

Dean hadn't spoken. His wild eyes panned the room, like he was looking for something, for something that was threatening to cause harm.

"Dean." Sam spoke again, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. "You're okay. There's no one here but you and me, and I'm not going to let anything hurt you. You're safe right now. It's okay, you can relax, just calm down, okay?"

Dean's body seemed to relax some, his tense muscles loosened. The tight grip he had on Sam's shirt and hand had released some pressure.

"You… you sure?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm sure. And, before you ask, yes, this is real. Where you were just at, that wasn't real. Well, the memories, I guess, at least part of them, were real, I don't know, I'm not entirely sure what you were seeing. But, I know where you were at, that darkness and light, it wasn't real. It wanted to pull you in, to make you part of it, to change you into what it wanted. But, this…" Sam panned his hand around the room. "This is real, I'm real."

Dean just nodded his head. He wasn't completely sure, but he knew he could trust his brother, and even if it wasn't real, he was okay with that, as long as Sam was with him.

"The…" Dean started to talk, stuttering with hesitation in his voice. "Thhh… the memories…. Wwwww were they real?"

"I don't know, I'm going to say yes. The memories themselves were real, I know that. But, I'm not sure what you saw in them, they may have…" Sam had to think of the words to use. "Intensified… some parts of it, like the emotional parts, making them worse or better, depending on what it wanted, that part, I'm not sure about. But, yes, the actual events that took place in your memories were real."

Dean just nodded his head, letting Sam know he understood what he was saying. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are they, or it, or whatever, why is this happening? Why are they doing this?"

"From what I could figure out, it's an old curse, one that was created with black magic, and you and me, we killed the creatures who were protecting it, so they infected you with the 'protect the curse juice' and, so, the curse is trying to turn you into what we killed so you can protect the curse, and I'm sure that if you turned then you would work on turning others, probably starting with me."

"So, why don't we destroy the curse?"

"Well, we've destroyed parts of it, but it's going to take a spell to completely destroy it, and to be honest I haven't exactly had the time, or energy to find anyone who can help with that. I mean, I've kinda been busy with you." Sam gave Dean a smile that said he would sacrifice everything else as long as it meant keeping his brother safe.

"Sam, I really, really, don't want to go back to where I was. I don't ever want to feel that again. Overwhelming, doesn't even begin to describe it. It's like, the worst fear, and pain, and panic, and happiness, and comfort, and warmth, and cold, and confusion…. Like it's all bundled together, the most intense emotion of each, together, overwhelming? I don't know if that's even a close assessment."

Dean paused, he wiped the tears that had been falling down his face since he started talking. "I don't ever want to feel that again, please, Sam, you have to help me. You have to do something." In a childlike tone, Dean was begging Sam to help him, to save him.

Sam's heart shattered under his brother's words. "Yeah, I will. But, I need you to stay awake this time, okay? No matter what, you gotta stay awake!"

Dean nodded his head.

"You're soaked in sweat, dude. I think you need to hit the shower, and put on some clean clothes, you kind of stink." Sam winked and grinned at Dean. His way of changing the subject, distracting Dean's mind and doing something to keep himself awake.

"Yeah, whatever." Dean replied. "By the way, you look like shit!" He smirked back at Sam, the old Dean reappearing with the movement and change in mindset.

Dean ducked just in time to dodge the pillow that flew across the room, aiming for his head.

"Dude! Just go shower." Sam suggested.

While Dean was in the shower, Sam took the opportunity to breathe a sigh of relief, then he started looking for someone who could summon a spell to stop the curse. He made a few phone calls to people he knew and was given some suggestions on people to contact. He knew Dean was right, they needed to destroy this curse. Sam wasn't sure if destroying it would cure his brother, but it would keep others from becoming its next victim.

Dean came out of the bathroom, looking a lot better than when he went in. He had on clean clothes, the sweat that once beaded his face and hair was gone, washed away. He had shaved, his hair wasn't a mess anymore. His eyes were back to the green they were supposed to be. They weren't as bright as they usually are, but they weren't wild looking either, so, Sam was satisfied with that.

Dean sat on the edge of his bed, across from Sam. He wasn't sure what to do or how he was supposed to act. This uncomfortable feeling was something he never liked.

"Feeling better?" Sam asked, looking up from his laptop.

"Yeah."

Sam nodded. "Good, I'm going to go shower now." He stood and started gathering his clothes. "You hungry?"

Dean shrugged his shoulders, even though Sam wasn't even looking at him. "I don't know, I guess, maybe."

Sam nodded his head. "Okay, we'll go grab something after I'm done." He turned and looked at Dean. "Oh, and Dean, this is important okay? You need to stay awake, whatever you do, DO NOT fall asleep while I'm in the shower got it?"

Dean nodded. "Got it."

"Good, oh and I've made some phone calls to some people, left some messages, so if anyone calls me back, I need to know immediately, okay? Even if you have to interrupt my shower, I need to know, immediately."

"Got it!" Dean said a little irritated that his brother felt the need to repeat the fact he needed to know immediately, but, he could also understand. It's not like Dean's head has been in the right place lately. He wouldn't doubt it if he forgot what his brother had said before he ever closed the bathroom door.

'Can't sleep, can't sleep, phone, immediately, stay awake, don't sleep.'

Dean repeated the same thoughts through his head, over and over, while Sam was in the bathroom. He paced the floor, back and forth, at the foot of the beds.

'can't sleep, can't sleep, phone, immediately, stay awake, don't sleep.'

He was never more relieved to see Sam reenter the room. He practically ran to his brother's side, making sure everything was okay, making sure he, himself, was okay. Showing Sam, he hadn't fallen asleep.

"Space, dude!" Sam said, taking a step back away from Dean.

Dean hadn't even realized he was practically pushed against Sam's body. That's where he wanted to be, where he needed to be, so, that's where he placed himself, against his brother, giving himself the much needed contact he longed for.

"Ready?" Sam asked, not saying any more about the lack of space between him and Dean. He was honestly just glad his brother was awake and back with him. He figured, the effects of what had happened, he could deal with later.

"For what?" Dean sounded confused.

"Food."

"Oh, yeah, that, yeah, ready."

Sam just nodded, grabbed his phone off charge and the keys to the car. "I'm driving." It was more of a statement, one Dean knew not to argue with. Besides, he knew he was in no shape to drive.

The brothers walked out of the motel room, closing the door behind them. They were only going for food, but it felt like more than that, it felt like this was their weak attempt at a moment of normal in their lives of chaos.


	8. Chapter 8

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 8

The boys drove up to the nearest place to eat. It was a bar and grill. Dean insisted on sitting in the back-corner booth, as far away from the other customers as possible. He sat with his back against the wall, watching everything that was happening around him.

This hasn't been the first time Dean has acted this way. In fact, he does this a lot. He has this overwhelming need to make sure everything is safe and feels like he needs to keep an eye on everything around them. In Dean's mind, there's a possibility for danger in every corner, every place they went. Any one, or anything, could pose as a threat. But, today, he watched with a wildness in his eyes. With an uncertainty.

"Hey." Sam whispered. "It's okay. You can stand down. I got you right now, remember?"

Dean glared at Sam, and shook his head slightly. There was no way he was going to let his guard down right now.

"Okay, then how about we look through the menu? Decide on something to eat?" Sam tried to distract Dean, which seemed to help some.

Dean wasn't really feeling all that hungry, but he knew he needed to eat, it was the human thing to do, after all. He settled on a stack of pancakes, this place served breakfast all day, which Dean could never understand why every place didn't do that, and a cup of coffee, black.

Sam ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, a side salad, and a cup of water. When the waitress returned with their drinks Sam added coffee to his order, he didn't know how long they were going to have to stay awake, and figured he would need the caffeine to deal with Dean.

"Do you remember, when we were young." Dean broke through the silence that was between them. "We came to a place like this, you, me and Dad. We sat at one of those tables with the really tall chairs. Man, you thought you were so cool because we were in a 'bar', sitting at a 'bar table'. You were probably around 8 and I was like, 12."

Dean's face spread a smile across it with the memory of his little brother taking in every experience in life, and being happy with the simple things. Dean could never find happiness in the simple things, he always had too much weighing down on his shoulders.

"Me and Dad had just finished a hunt." Dean continued. "And, we had picked you up from Bobby's. It was a shitty hunt, I remember that, and we were hunting with…" It took Dean a minute to remember his name. "Jacob, yeah, that's who it was. Anyhow, we got to Bobby's late that night, and in the morning we all left, Dad said we were going to have a special day, just the 3 of us. No hunting, no other hunters, just us. He let you pick were we ate, which made you think you were a big shot."

Dean laughed at the memory. "And you said," Dean hadn't taken the time to think about what he was saying, he was just finding the need to talk. "You wanted to be like a big guy and eat at a bar. Of course, Dad and I both laughed at what you said. You were just a little thing, and so damn cute! So, Dad took us to a place like this. And, we sat at the tall table as close to the bar as we could get." Dean laughed again. "You could barely climb into the tall chair. I had to help you."

Sam just sat and listened, watching the genuine smile on Dean's face as he remembered a time they were happy. He had noticed the time he was talking about, but it didn't seem to click with Dean. Sam was curious as to why he would choose that to be a good memory, when so much bad happened in the holes of the version he spoke about.

Sam just smiled back. "Yeah, I remember that. I had forgotten all about it. That was cool, Dad was awesome that day!"

Sam didn't want to cause Dean any heartache, but he was torn on rather he should make mention of other things that day, or just let Dean live in the happiness of that moment. He decided he would push, just a little, to see what Dean remembered. He realized, this may not be the place, but he needed to know what Dean's memories were like, what was real and what wasn't, and how he saw them compared to reality.

The waitress brought their food, and Dean realized he was hungrier than he thought, but by the time he had made it half way through his pancakes he was already starting to feel full. He had drank 3 cups of coffee, so he figured that was part of it.

"I wonder why Dad was so nice on that day?" Sam asked, curious of Dean's reply.

"I don't know." Dean said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Maybe because he was an asshole the day before?"

And there it was. Dean had said it. But, he said it in a matter of fact type of way, no emotions, no tears, no heartache. Just, a simple statement. The same way he had mentioned Jacob's name. When Dean had told Sam about that day, he couldn't even manage to say his name, it hurt him too much, and now it was just like any other word that came out of Dean's mouth.

"How was he an asshole?" Sam questioned, still curious on the way his brother's brain was working.

"I've already told you all of this." Dean replied, still no emotions.

The fact Dean wasn't showing any emotion toward the event he was talking about had Sam concerned. He had crinkled his forehead in confusion. Dean noticed, and thought he was confused about what he had told him, but once he started speaking, Sam didn't have the heart to stop him.

"Oh, come on!" Dean responded. "Don't tell me you've forgotten already. You know, Jacob, Dad's hunting buddy. We went on a hunt together and everyting turned to shit afterwards. He took over Dad's training game and when we got back to the motel he decided he was going to one up Dad on the whole sexual experience thing."

"Yeah." Sam replied, still wondering why his brother wasn't showing any emotions toward it. "And, that's when Dad taught you how to hurt yourself, right?"

"Yep." Dean replied as he pushed another fork full of pancakes into his mouth, after chewing them he continued. "The only problem with that was after a while, the shit he taught me, it didn't really work anymore. Didn't hurt enough, or whatever, it didn't do its job, so I had to figure out other things, to make it work."

"Like what?"

"Well, most of it was pretty simple, really. As far as cutting myself, I just cut deeper, and in places that hurt worse, like the bottom of my feet. Every time I would walk, I could feel the pain, the reminder. And, it wasn't very difficult to figure out how to break a rib or two, I mean, hell, it's not like that's not part of the job anyhow, right? So, no one even noticed the difference." Dean took another drink of coffee.

"Of course, there were some days that were just shitty as hell and I acted completely reckless, got myself hurt more than what I meant to, but, it was fine, once again, just part of the job, no one knew the difference."

Sam sat shocked, speechless for a moment. "Dean, you do realize what you're saying, right?"

"Yeah." Dean had a hint of confusion in his voice, like he was wondering why Sam would ask him that.

"Um, you do know those aren't good memories, right?"

"Well, I mean I guess not, but I guess it's the way you look at them."

Sam's mouth hung open. "It's never a good thing when you purposely hurt yourself, or get yourself hurt, it doesn't matter how you look at it."

Dean had a puzzled look on his face as he forced the last bite of his food into his mouth.

"Why would you think it was?" Sam questioned.

"Because, I was being obedient. I was doing what Dad told me to do. And, that's… that's what I was supposed to do… right? I mean, it's always a good thing to be obedient. Isn't it?"

"Depends how you look at it, I guess. I mean, if being obedient means getting yourself hurt or killed, then no, it's not always a good thing."

Dean looked honestly confused. The waitress returned with their bill, Sam ordered 2 large coffees to go and paid for their meal. Dean hadn't said anything else. He was running the thoughts of what Sam had said through his mind. They made their way to the car and into their seats. Sam started the engine and looked over at Dean, who still seemed a bit shocked.

"You alright?"

Dean shot a glance at Sam and then looked away. That was the only reply he gave.

Sam let out a sigh and headed back to the motel.

It was a long day. Dean was confused. That was the only word to explain it. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to act, or think, or any thing really. He knew he was not allowed to sleep, but that's it, that's all he seemed to know. And, even through his confusion, the restless energy he always seemed to have, was more than present through his pacing and constant fidgeting and moving positions through out the room.

Finally, he sat on the edge of his bed, across from where Sam was stretched out on his bed, and just stared at him typing on his laptop. Sam was fully aware of Dean's stare, he tried to ignore him but couldn't. He closed is laptop and sat it beside him, pulled himself to a seated position, his legs hanging off the bed, and looking directly at Dean.

"What?"

"Why was it a bad memory?"

"Huh?" Sam was confused at Dean's question.

"What I said earlier, you told me it was a bad memory, that it wasn't a good one, why?"

"Well…" Sam started. "It's not that it didn't have its good memories in there too, like the stuff at the bar, yeah, that was pretty cool, you can keep that as a good memory. But, Dean, Dad and Jacob, they hurt you, they violated you, and the fact that they had you allowing it, obediently, makes it that much worse."

"But… a lot of people have violated me."

"Yeah, I know, but that doesn't make it right. It doesn't make any of it right, no matter who it is."

"Even Dad?"

"Especially Dad."

Sam's phone had rung at that point, putting a halt to their conversation. When he looked at the number, he anxiously answered it, stepping towards the door to walk outside, to speak in private. He turned back toward Dean as he placed his hand on the door knob.

"Don't you go to sleep!"

He ordered, receiving a nod from Dean, then Sam was gone, the door closing behind him. Dean wished he didn't feel so confused, he knew what Sam was telling him was something he should have already known, but for some reason he couldn't remember it.

'Especially Dad?' that thought kept running through his head, but he couldn't get his mind to wrap around it. He couldn't understand how being obedient was a bad thing. He couldn't shake the feeling that he felt almost like a child, learning new things for the first time, yet his head was so full of a life time of memories, but, he didn't seem to have any emotions with them, they were just facts, and nothing more. Maybe that's why he couldn't figure out what was good and what was bad? He'd have to remember to ask Sam that when he returned.

Sam was already talking to Dean before he even closed the door.

"Okay, so, I've got someone who's going to be meeting us here. He's about 3 hours out, so he said, give him a little time to gather what he needs, so he should be here in around 4 hours, give or take."

"For… what?"

"The curse. Have you even been listening to anything I've been saying?"

"Yeah, of course, I… I just can't always remember what you've said, but I listen."

Dean looked so sheepish, so childish, so scared and confused. Sam sunk down on the bed beside Dean. "It's okay, we're gonna fix this." He placed a gentle hand on Dean's shoulder to reassure him that everything was going to be okay.

Dean knew he had something to ask Sam, but couldn't remember what it was. He sat, trying to remember their conversation before he walked outside to talk on the phone. Oh, yeah! The good and the bad, but what about it?

"You okay?" Sam was watching the expression on Dean's face changing with his thoughts.

"I don't remember what we were talking about when you walked outside. There was something I was going to ask you, but… I don't remember… something about good and bad?"

"Yeah, I was telling you that someone hurting you and violating you isn't good, even if its done under obedience, it doesn't make it right, and you asked me about Dad, and I said that it's especially bad coming from Dad."

Dean nodded his head, remembering now. "So, if I don't feel anything. Because, I really don't, it's like just these pictures, or movies, in my head, but I don't have any feelings about them. So, does that still make it bad? And, how do I know if it's good or bad, if I can't feel anything?"

Sam released a sigh. "Dean, we're gonna fix that, okay?"

"Do I want it fixed?"

"What?"

"I mean, you said that I should have bad memories, that stuff I said should be heartbreaking and bother me, so why would I want it to? I mean, isn't it better if I don't feel it?"

"Well, I mean, in a way, I guess, yeah, but… that's what makes you human. You have to have feelings."

"Why?"

"Because, without them, you'll miss the good too. I mean, sure, it would be nice if we never had to feel pain or heartbreak, but we would miss feeling the happiness and love too."

"I… I don't think I've ever felt that."

"Sure, you have, you may not remember, but you have. Not as much as the pain in life, I'm sure of that, but you've felt both the good and the bad, and the good, you don't ever want to lose, that's what keeps you going, that's what keeps you pushing through, fighting from day to day."

Dean nodded, still confused, but understanding what Sam was saying.

"I think, there's a lot of memories in my head, that I don't want to remember how they feel."

"I think you're right, but, we've dealt with them once before, and we'll do it again, okay?"

"Yeah, and… you'll help me?"

"Of course."

"Okay."

Dean seemed to be lost in the world he was living in. He still felt like he was in the wrong place, like he didn't belong there. He felt like he wasn't supposed to be him, he was supposed to be someone else. But, Sam said he was supposed to be a monster, and he didn't want to be that. He didn't want to be scary or hurt anyone. He wanted to be with Sam, and to feel okay again. He didn't feel okay. He felt, like something was terribly wrong.

Dean started bouncing his leg with nervous energy. He was rubbing his hands up and down his pant legs, pausing only to grasp the bedding beside him, then returned to rubbing his legs again. He couldn't seem to sit still, like a ball of nerves just hit him and spread through his body. He constantly rubbed his hands down his face and through his hair, then returned them to rubbing on his legs and grasping the bedding. His eyes darted back and forth through the room as he chewed on his lower lip.

"Dean, hey man." Sam knelt on the floor in front of him. "What's going on? You okay?"

"I don't know, and NO!"

"Okay."

"I'm not okay, Sam. Something is wrong, and I don't like it, I don't like this feeling, I just want it to go away, to leave me alone."

"I want it to also, and that's what we're working on, okay?"

Dean nodded his head, more of a jerking motion than an actual nod. His hands were shaking, arms trembling. He had reached out and grabbed a hold of Sam's shirt. Not like he had done before, this time it was different. It wasn't a little tug as he wrapped his fingers in the bottom edge, this time he grabbed a fist full, with a tight grip. His flannel shirt that was over his t-shirt was unbuttoned and opened, Dean had grabbed the opened edges at the top of his shirt, holding on, like his life depended on it. His hands shaking too hard to let go.

Dean squeezed his eyes closed, his breathing had gotten heavy and labored. His heart felt like it was going to leap out of his chest.

"Hey, Dean, I need you to open your eyes for me, okay? I need to know you're awake, that you're still with me."

Dean opened his eyes, they were filled with unshed tears and fear. The expression on his face emphasizing the look of fear.

"Make him go away!" Dean whispered to Sam, barely loud enough that Sam could hear it.

"Huh? Who?"

Then there was a knock on the door. The fear on Dean's face intensified as Sam pried Dean's hands from his shirt and headed toward the door.

"No! please, Sam, don't open it, please, make him go away."

Sam knew who was at the door, but he couldn't understand how Dean knew before he ever knocked, or why he wanted him to leave.

Sam opened the door, introducing himself to the native American chief who stood in front of him, and welcomed him into their room.

Dean had jumped to the head of his bed, his back pressed against the headboard and his knees pulled tightly to his chest. His arms were wrapped so tightly around his legs that he was blocking proper circulation. He had a wild look in his eyes again. And refused to move his glare to anywhere except onto the stranger.

The man looked at Dean, without saying a word he sat in the chair that was between Dean's bed and the door.

"Dean." Sam spoke. "This is Chief Wild Horse. He's from a long line of ancient native Americans. The ones I believe caused this curse, and Wild Horse, believes the same thing. And, he thinks he can fix this."

Dean didn't reply to Sam, he just kept staring at Wild Horse. Sam explained to him his behavior right before he had arrived and he seemed to be understanding, not surprised at all.

"We shall give it a few minutes, to allow him to settle down, to let the light and darkness find their place again." Wild Horse said, as he folded his hands together on his lap and waited, silently, for Dean to show signs of calming down.


	9. Chapter 9

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 9

Dean began to calm, his body relaxed, his arms loosened, and his shakes turned to slight trembles. His breathing showed signs of evening out and the wild look in his eyes began to fade.

"Shall we begin?" Wild Horse stood as he spoke.

The fear was back on Dean's face.

Wild Horse sat on the edge of Dean's bed, causing him to push himself away a little, giving him space between them. Sam had sat on the other side of Dean, keeping him from moving too far away from Wild Horse.

"Dean, I need you to trust me." Wild Horse began to speak. "I'm not going to lie to you, or make any half-truths. This is not going to be comfortable."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Great, and the fun just keeps on coming."

"In fact." Wild Horse continued, ignoring Dean's comment. "You're going to have to fight, like you've never fought before." He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, then pulled back with shock. "I take that back, maybe you have fought this hard before."

Dean and Sam were both shocked by his reaction when he touched Dean. It was like he could sense something, feel his life in the palm of his hand.

"I'm sorry." Wild Horse continued, sympathy taking the place of the harshness his voice once held. "This is the only way, if it's the curse that I think it is, and judging by what Sam had told me, I'm sure it is, there is no other way to stop this. I wish there was, you of all people deserve an easier path."

Dean's forehead drew up in a mixture of confusion and protest, but he didn't say a word. When Wild Horse had touched him, not only did he feel something from Dean, but Dean felt something as well. It was emotions, that he hadn't been able to feel. He had a mixture of every emotion known to mankind flood into him with the touch.

After a moment of silence, Dean spoke up. "So, can we just get the show on the road, I really don't like all the dialog anyhow."

"Dean." Sam stopped him, knowing that was his way of saying he was feeling uncomfortable and scared.

Dean just rubbed his face with his hands, watching as Wild Horse stood from the bed, grabbed his bag of items and made his way to the table. He mixed a few things together in the bowl, slicing down his hand to add his own blood, then held the knife out to Dean. "You wanna do it, or do you want me to?" Dean held his arm out, allowing Wild Horse to make a straight line across it and let Dean's blood drip into the bowl before covering his new wound with a towel to stop the bleeding.

"Apparently, hurting yourself is wrong, even under obedience." Dean mumbled under his breath while he let Wild Horse do the cutting for him.

Sam just rolled his eyes. He knew this was only temporary and his brother would remember everything soon enough. The thought put a strange twinge in his chest. Dean was right, it was better for him to not feel the pain, but Sam was also right, he couldn't deny Dean the feeling of joy either. Plus, the whole cave monster thing, kinda made this important.

Wild Horse mixed the contents, and added them to a glass of water, handing it to Dean. Dean looked up at him, confused. He pushed the glass closer to Dean and he hesitantly took it out of his hands. Still, looking at Wild Horse confused.

"Drink it." Wild Horse said and he pushed Dean's hand toward his mouth.

"You want me to drink…this?"

"Yes. That is why it is mixed with water and in a glass."

Sam couldn't help but smirk at Wild Horse's sarcastic response.

Dean sat, his eyebrows raised, his face questionable.

"Drink!" Wild Horse commanded.

Dean took a deep breath and downed it as quickly as he could, gagging on the taste once he was done.

"Keep it down."

"Dude! You could have warned me first."

"It is made for a cure, not for taste."

Dean just rolled his eyes again as his body attempted to gag the liquid back up.

"Keep it down."

"I heard you the first time!" Dean snapped back.

Wild horse took a feather and brushed it through the air around Dean, chanting some words he couldn't understand. The more he chanted and waved the feather around him, the more Dean started to gag. He had to fight to keep it from coming up, a few times, he ended up swallowing back down what had come up into his mouth.

He wasn't sure when, but at some point, he had made his way off the bed and was on his hands and knees, dry heaving onto the floor. His whole body shook and tensed under the force of what ever was going on in the air around him.

The chanting was so loud, it was starting to make his ears feel like they were burning. He opened his mouth to speak, to call for Sam, to tell them to stop, but his mouth felt like sandpaper and his body collapsed onto his stomach. He couldn't control it, couldn't stop the shaking.

The images started coming in like a flood. They were more than just memories, more than just images, they held the very emotions that were attached to them. The physical and mental feelings filled him like a flood. He was sure he was crying out, but wasn't sure if he could hear himself or not over the chanting.

He didn't have time to acknowledge each individual memory, there were thousands of them that flooded him in a matter of seconds. The pain unbearable, the heartache made his heart feel like it was going to explode. The tears. Oh, god, was he crying? He was sure he was crying, and maybe screaming? He had to be screaming, the pain was too much, too unbearable, to not be screaming, or crying. His body shook. He thought to himself, this must be what having a seizure felt like. He could feel his own body shaking hard enough that it was lifting him off the ground, then dropping him back down.

The chanting turned into screaming. Screaming from every angle, from everywhere. Screaming, he was sure the burning in his ears was causing them to bleed. He had felt it before. He couldn't exactly remember the details, but he knew this whole ordeal had caused his ears to bleed before. That can't be good, can it?

'Don't sleep, don't sleep, don't sleep'.

Started running through his mind. He fought, he tried to open his eyes, but he didn't seem to be able to. Or, maybe they were opened? Maybe his eyes were just rolled in the back of his head? How could he be sure? He couldn't let himself fall asleep, but, why? Why couldn't he sleep? Something about some cave monster. But, wasn't this hell he was going through right now supposed to stop that? Maybe it would be okay to sleep now? He was sure it wouldn't hurt so bad if he just slept.

His breathing was uncontrollable. He was taking fast, shallow breaths. At times, he felt like he couldn't breathe at all, other times, he felt like he could breathe, just not deep enough, not getting enough oxygen to satisfy the burning in his lungs.

The… burning… in his lungs… the… pain… in his head… the… fire… in his ears… the… shaking… of his body… the… beating… in his chest… the… sickness… in his stomach.

He couldn't take anymore, he couldn't! He needed it to stop.

'Fight, don't go to sleep, fight, don't go to sleep, fight.'

Started running over and over again in his head. He fought to withstand the pain that was filling his body, not just filling it, but overflowing. He needed to open his eyes. He didn't remember why, but he knew it was important. It felt like they weighed a ton, like they were glued shut, but somehow, he needed to open them.

Each time he tried, his body just shook more, harder. But, he knew he couldn't give up. He had to fight, had to stay awake, had to fight.

He needed to breathe, he couldn't breathe, panic started setting in as he tried to take a breath, but there was nothing, no air. Was he dead? Was he dying?

'NO! he needed to fight, needed to stay awake. Can't die. Sammy needs me, can't die! Fight, damn it, Dean, you have to fight. You have to stay awake, open your eyes. Sammy needs you. You have to fight, have to stay awake'.

Dean was fighting with himself, in his own head.

Pain, pain, pain, pain…. that's all he could feel was an overwhelming sense of pain.

Fight, fight, fight, fight… he knew he had to fight it, no matter what, he had to fight.

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up… he needed to wake up, for whatever reason, he needed to open his eyes and wake up.

He struggled with his own body, with his own mind. He struggled to breathe, to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. He felt himself wear down. He gave it one more final push, he gave the fight all he had. He couldn't give up, not until he had nothing else to give, and right now, he still had one last push to give.

With a deep gasp for air, Dean's eyes shot opened and his body jerked to a seated position. He coughed and struggled for the oxygen his body needed. As his body shook, and the tears rolled down his face. His hair, soaked, much like the rest of his body, with sweat that poured from him.

When had he gotten back on the bed? When was he laid on the pillows? He squeezed his eyes closed tight, trying to make his world stop spinning.

"You are awake, good." Wild Horse spoke once Dean was able to breathe normal again.

Dean looked at him, taking a few blinks to remember who he was and why he was there.

"This next part, is going to be the worst."

Dean drew in a deep breath. "That wasn't bad enough?"

"Here, drink this." He handed another glass to Dean.

The nervousness and panic were shining bright on his face.

"Drink!"

Dean drank it, again, gagging on the taste. "Not made for taste, yeah I get it." He replied between gags. "What's this one gonna do?"

"Keep you awake."

Dean looked up at him confused.

"For how long?"

"As long as it takes."

He glanced at Sam, hoping his brother understood what he meant. Sam just shook his head.

"What exactly does that mean?" Sam asked.

"It means, his body will know when it's time to sleep. It all depends on how badly he is already infected."

"I think it's pretty bad, I mean, I was worried he would be changing any second."

Wild Horse nodded. "Then, he might be awake for a while."

"Define a while." Dean said, his voice shaking.

"I have never seen anyone stay awake longer than a week, but I've never seen anyone as severe as you either."

"A WEEK!" Dean was not happy about that answer.

"It will take as long as it needs to. If you sleep, you die."

"Well, that's just great!" Dean said with another eye roll. "I already feel like shit."

"Yes, and I'm sure your entire body aches, as well as your head, and judging by the blood that came from your ears, your mind is probably fried right now. But, if you sleep…"

"You die, got it!" Dean interrupted.

Wild Horse just nodded his head.

"You're just a big 'ole bag of fun, aren't you?" Dean replied as sarcastically as he could.

"Oh, I'm not near as fun as your mind is going to be for the next week." Wild Horse replied back with a smirk.

"Great!"

"So, here's what's going to happen." Wild Horse began to speak, moving his glance between Sam and Dean. "You've been infected, just like any other infection, it has to be taken care of or it kills you. In this instance, your death is actually you changing into a monster. But, the things I have given you to drink, they are like an antibiotic. Now, you have to let it do its job. You have to let the infection work its way out of your body, which is probably going to include a lot of vomiting and high fevers. Keep the fevers down, just like anything else, the effects from the normal, human, responses, such as a fever, can kill, or complicate things."

"Gonna be sick, treat it like a normal sickness, got it." Dean interrupted.

"You're also going to become delirious, from the lack of sleep. You're going to be irritable, and probably get to the point your anger will take over. This is going to be partly from the lack of sleep and partly from the fight your mind is going to have with itself."

"Hear that Sammy? You get to put up with Dad again."

"This is serious!" Wild Horse responded. "All those images and memories that have been flooding your mind, filling your dreams, they are going to come, this time, they will be worse. You won't be asleep, you'll be awake through all of them, and able to feel everything that goes along with them. Just by the simple touch when I first arrived, I'd say you're gonna have some pretty harsh times in front of you, some memories you'd rather not have to relive, again. But, there's no way of stopping them. You just have to let it run its course, like everything else."

Dean gulped hard, he did not like the sound of that.

"Is there anything we can do to ease it if it becomes too much?" Sam questioned.

"Be there for him, don't take it too personal. He's going to have the fight of his life going through his head, and he's going to need someone who will be strong enough to stay by his side, to reassure him that everything is okay, and remind him why he's going through this."

"And coffee, lots and lots of coffee." Dean added with a smile.

Sam just nodded at Wild Horse. "Have you met my brother, Dean?"

Wild Horse laughed. "If you need any help, call, but I'm sure you've got this. You're strong enough to have your brother's back."

"Is handcuffs and a gag an option?" Sam asked with a joking tone.

"Getting kinky, huh?" Dean replied. "You wouldn't take advantage of a man while he's down, now would you, Sammy?"

Sam glanced at Dean, rolled his eyes, and looked up at Wild Horse. "Like I said, is that an option?"

Wild Horse just laughed again and looked at Dean. "Whatever works."

Dean's eyes widened. "Hey!"

Sam and Wild Horse just chuckled, Sam thanked him, they shared a few more words as he walked him outside, then Sam returned.

"How you feeling?"

"Just peachy!"

"Good! Then I'm going to take the chance to sleep."

"Hey, if I can't sleep then neither can you!"

"I'm not the one infected, besides I'm going to need the energy not to tie you down and gag your ass!"

"Bitch!"

"Jerk."

"So, when is all of this supposed to start?"

"Don't know, but you know it's going to be shitty, so why rush it?" Sam was making his way into his bed, laying under the covers, prepared for a nap.

"Yeah, true. Dude! Are you seriously going to sleep on me?"

"Yeah, Dean, I am. I need to be able to sleep, so I can take care of you properly. If you need me, wake me, oh and don't leave! You keep your ass planted right there, unless you need to use the bathroom. But, don't go anywhere! Got it?"

"Yes, sir!" Dean said sarcastically.

"Hey, you're the one who's going to turn into Dad, not me, remember?"

Dean just chuckled. "Oh yeah, that's right, you're going to have a lot of fun!"

"Yeah, I have no doubt in that, but for now, I'm going to rest while I can, it's been a long day."

"You're telling me!"

Dean stopped talking, allowing Sam to fall asleep. He was feeling restless but also didn't seem to have the energy to even change positions on the bed. He could feel the fever starting, or had it already been there? He was wet with sweat, but he figured that was from the whole incident earlier, after the first stuff he drank.

The thought of it turned Dean's stomach, it tasted like ass, and dirty feet. The second drink wasn't much better.

He laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, for an undetermined amount of time. Dean figured time didn't matter anyhow, not when he wasn't going to be able to sleep, it was all going to blend together anyhow. His brother laid on the bed beside his, his soft breathing filling the silence. Dean laid there allowing his brother's breathing to relax him, if he couldn't sleep, then he could at least relax while he was able.

Then, suddenly, it hit him, out of nowhere, a wave of nausea washed over him. He jumped from his bed to rush to the bathroom before he vomited, but, when he did, his world spun and tilted. He fell to the floor, the sweat pouring off him as the vomit spewed out of his mouth. His eye sight was blurry, everything was tilting and spinning.

Sam's hunter mode was turned on, as always, but his protective brother mode was even stronger. He was startled awake by the sound of his brother falling to the floor. He was at his side in an instant.

"Dean, hey, what are you doing?"

"Getting… sick… didn't… make it." He pointed at the bathroom.

"Yeah, I can see that."

"Everything dizzy."

"Okay, let's get you back to bed, I'll get you a trashcan in case you need to vomit again, and a wet rag to cool you down."

Sam helped Dean off the floor and back into bed. He laid the trashcan on the floor beside him and a cool, wet, rag on his forehead.

"There we go, better?" Sam asked once he was finished.

Dean nodded slightly. "Gotta… clean… Dad'll be… mad."

"Hey, Dean, don't worry about it, okay? I'll get it cleaned up, you just worry about feeling better, okay?"

"Yeah."

Sam was sitting on Dean's bed, beside him, and stood to go clean the vomit off the floor. He figured it wouldn't be the last time he would have to do this before it was over. But, Dean grabbed a hold of Sam's shirt, stopping him from leaving.

"Don't… go… ppplease."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere, I was just going to clean the floor where you threw up, before it starts to smell. I'll be right back, okay?"

Dean nodded and let Sam go. "I'm scared!" He said in a shaky tone.

"I know you are, so am I." Sam replied as he wiped the floor clean. "But it's going to be okay, I'll be right here, through everything, you don't have to do this alone."

"Th… thank… You."

Sam just looked up at his brother and smiled. Once he got the floor cleaned, he retrieved a glass of cool water and some ibuprophen for Dean.

"Here." He said as he sat beside his brother again. "Take these, and drink this, it will help bring that fever down."

Dean did as he was told and Sam wiped the rag over Dean's head and face, both to cool him and to wash the sweat that was piling on him. He then rinsed it out, putting fresh, cool water on it, and returned it to Dean's head. He had also refilled Dean's glass of water, which he gladly accepted and drank all of.

"Feeling better?" Sam asked.

Dean just shrugged. "A little, I guess."

"Okay, good."

"You can go back to sleep, if you want, I'm good."

"Okay, I'm not going to argue with that, the trash can is here." He pointed at it then got up to refill Dean's glass. "And here's some fresh water. If you need anything at all just holler and wake me up, okay?"

Dean nodded, closing his eyes against the pain that was pounding in his head and the dim light in the room. Sam knew he didn't have to worry about him falling asleep, so he let him be, figured it best for him to find a place of comfort while he was able. He made his way back to his bed and was back asleep before he knew it.


	10. Chapter 10

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 10

Dean had tried to make the best of his situation. He joked about how he now had superpowers. He was able to stay awake forever! Sam couldn't do that, he wasn't as cool as Dean was. His comments, of course, did nothing but give him a much deserved eye roll from his younger brother.

Dean's restless energy was wearing him thin, that combined with the fever and nausea had him regretting his new superpowers. Sam had tried to get him to eat, but Dean wasn't very interested in food. He would take all the cool fluids his stomach would allow him to handle. He vomited, thick black goo, he figured it was the stuff he drank earlier, but half joked about it being the darkness, he told Sam, soon he would be vomiting light too.

By the end of the first day he was seriously starting to hate this idea. He wanted to sleep, wanted to let the day wash away, but he couldn't, which made for a much longer night than he anticipated, but, even though he was feeling miserable, the images of the memories hadn't gotten unbearable, so he allowed Sam to sleep while he could. Dean had no doubt that things would be getting worse and his brother needed to get all the sleep he could, because Dean would be needing him.

As the sun rose, marking the end of the first night, Dean's images had gotten worse. They weren't so much dark as the fact they were coming so fast his mind couldn't separate them, making it impossible to know what belonged where in the memory bank.

"Sammy?"

Dean had known his brother was still asleep, but for some reason, he wanted him to wake up, he felt like he needed him. But, he wasn't ready to admit that quite yet, so he figured he could wake his brother without his brother realizing his purpose.

"Hmmm?" Sam mumbled, only partly woken by Dean calling for him.

"You awake?"

Sam forced his eyes opened. "Yeah, yeah, I am now, what'cha need?"

He was up and ready to be there for his brother in a heartbeat. But, Dean wasn't sure how to tell him he just needed his brother's company.

"Some water?"

Sam gave Dean a scowled look. "Seriously? You woke me up for that?"

Dean gave him a sheepish look. "You told me not to get up on my own if I'm feeling dizzy."

"Dizzy, right." Sam reminded himself what he had said as he got up to get his brother some more water. He sat on the edge of Dean's bed as he handed him the glass. "You doing okay?"

Dean just shrugged.

Sam placed a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder, he didn't expect what happened next. When Sam touched Dean, there was a slight shock, like static electricity, and Sam grab a glance of Dean's memory that flashed through his head at the moment of the touch.

 _There was a young, little Dean standing in front of Sam. He looked so cute, and innocent, he was cute, that's for sure! He had long shaggy hair, with big round, bright green eyes. He was looking timid, almost like he was either afraid or unsure of something._

 _Sam looked around and saw they were at Bobby's house. Dean had to have been around 6 or 7 years old, and Sammy was standing beside him, holding his hand tightly. He was only around 2 or 3. Bobby walked in the room, he had a bright smile on his face._

" _I don't know much about taking care of young ones, but, I figure, together we'll figure it out."_

 _Dean just nodded, and squeezed Sam's hand tighter._

" _You boys want something to eat?"_

" _YES!" Sammy piped up, excitedly, he was always so excited about the little things._

 _Dean just shrugged his shoulders._

 _The boys followed Bobby into his kitchen while he fixed them both a grilled cheese sandwich._

" _Uncle Bobby?" Dean's voice sounded shaky, like he was almost afraid to talk._

" _Yeah?"_

" _How long did Dad say he was going to be gone?"_

" _He said it should be just a couple of days, I sure hope that idjit wasn't lying, like I said, I don't know much about taking care of young 'uns."_

 _Dean just nodded and thanked Bobby as he sat the sandwiches in front of them._

" _Is… is there a place… we can sleep? or do we need to make a bed on the floor?"_

 _Bobby chuckled. "No, boy, you two ain't gotta sleep on the floor, I've got a spare room upstairs, you don't mind sharing a bed, do you?"_

" _No sir."_

 _Sam didn't speak, he just shoved his mouth full of food._

" _Dee, I'm seepppyyy." Sam whined after he finished eating._

" _You need a bath first." Dean reminded him._

 _Bobby's eyes widened. "I don't do baths, kid."_

" _I've got this." Dean interrupted as he pushed his way away from the table. "I'm going to go start his water, then I'll come back and clean the dishes."_

" _I've got the dishes, kid, that ain't your job."_

 _Dean just nodded, not sure how to respond to that. everything was always his job, no one else did it. "I don't mind." Dean finally spoke, making sure he wouldn't get in trouble for not cleaning the kitchen._

" _I said, I got it. You just worry about taking care of your brother. I ain't never had one so young around."_

" _Yes sir." Dean replied. "Come on, Sammy, its bath time." Sammy took his hand and followed his brother to the bathroom, where Dean helped him bathe and get ready for bed._

 _Sam insisted, before he could go to bed, he had to tell Uncle Bobby night._

" _You don't even know him!" Dean protested, but that didn't seem to matter._

 _Sam jumped up and ran downstairs. He ran up to Bobby and wrapped his little arms around his waist, giving him a big hug. "Night Uncle Bobby!" Sam said in the cutest, most loving little voice. Dean had followed him down the stairs, but didn't get as close to Bobby as Sam did. Bobby's eyes welled up with tears. "Night little guy." He replied. He then looked up at Dean._

 _He figured, Dean had 'hunter' written all over him. He was paranoid of strangers and strange places. He wouldn't get too close or allow anyone to touch him. He kept his distance, keeping his exits clear for escape, if needed. He was overly aware of his surroundings._

" _Night Dean." Bobby said from a distance._

" _Good night, Uncle Bobby." Dean said, more as a necessary reply than an actual need to tell him good night. "Come on, Sammy, let's get to bed."_

" _Okay, dee!" Sam gave Bobby one last squeeze then bounced away and up the stairs with Dean._

Sam realized, that was the first time they had met Bobby, and their dad had left them with a complete stranger. Well, he may not have been a stranger to Dad, but he was to the boys. At least their dad knew that Bobby was someone he could trust with the boys, and he had become family over the years.

With a jerk, Sam pulled his hand away from Dean. It had only been a matter of seconds, but it felt like much longer to Sam.

"You okay?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, I'm… uh, I'm good."

"Do you see them?"

"Yeah, I did, when I touched you, just then."

Dean nodded. "They aren't bad, not yet anyhow, they're just… overwhelming… there's so many of them, and they come so fast. They aren't in any order or anything, they just come."

"Yeah, when you were asleep, and wouldn't wake up, before I called Wild Horse, I couldn't get you to wake up, so I connected to you, through our thoughts, our minds. You know, you and I, we have crazy ways of connecting sometimes." Sam chuckled at that. 'crazy' didn't even begin to describe the relationship the brothers had.

"So, when I connected, I tried to pull you away from there, and… well, I couldn't see anything, but I could feel it, you know. Probably not as strong as you were feeling it, but, it was really overwhelming for me, and the emotions were running wild. I… I honestly, wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the feeling, but I managed to and I also managed to somehow pull you out of there."

"The feelings suck!" Dean admitted.

"Yeah, they did."

"That's the good thing, right now, the memories, the images, are coming so fast that I can't connect the feelings with them. I mean, they are there, and they are intense, but… not really connected to anything imparticular, so, it makes it a little easier, I guess."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense, I mean, I figure whatever helps make it easier for you is a good thing, right?"

"Yes. But, I have a feeling it's just going to get worse, it has been, just not to the point I can't handle it… yet."

Sam nodded his head. "Is there anything I can do for you right now?"

"Can you make me sleep?"

"You know I can't."

"Yeah, I know, I'm just… I feel so exhausted, and it's making it hard to think straight."

"I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do."

"Could you… stay here?"

"I'm right here, Dean."

Dean nodded. "I mean, like stay here, here, I… I don't want to be alone."

"I won't leave you, I promise."

Dean just nodded, he knew he couldn't expect Sam to stay in constant contact with him, that's what he wanted, but it would be selfish for him to try to ask Sam for that.

Sam got up, used the bathroom and filled Dean's glass.

"Hey, you okay?" Sam asked when he returned, seeing Dean's facial expression had him a little concerned.

"Yeah." Dean cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm good, I… I feel a little… okay, a lot… hot, and tired."

Sam felt his brother's head, feeling the heat coming from him again. He retrieved the medicine to help bring the fever down and gave it to Dean. "How's the nausea?"

"It's okay right now."

"Okay, good, how's the lightheaded, dizziness?"

"Comes and goes."

Sam nodded, he wasn't sure what to ask or how to handle what was going on. He felt just as lost as Dean did.

Silence filled the air, Sam was sitting beside Dean and had attempted to stand, to move back to his bed, but Dean placed his hand on Sam's leg.

"Don't go… please?"

Sam sat back down. "Okay, I'm right here, I won't go anywhere."

After a moment longer Sam spoke again. "I'm just going to grab my pillows off my bed, so I can make myself comfortable beside you, okay?"

Sam made sure his brother knew what he was doing, and why, and that he was okay with the fact he was getting up, but not leaving him.

Dean nodded. His mind was starting to trail away.

Sam piled his pillows against Dean's headboard, and leaned back against them, beside Dean, allowing their shoulders to barely touch, still leaving a little distance for personal space, if that was even possible these days.

Dean appreciated Sam's attempts at making him feel more comfortable, but he was also concerned that Sam's touch would bring on more images in his head, and the last thing Dean wanted to do was hurt his brother with his images.

"Hey, what did you see?" Dean asked, needing to know if it was something that was hurting his brother.

"I think it was the first time we met Bobby. Dad, I guess, dropped us off there for him to take care of us while he did… I don't know… what ever he did those days?"

"Was it a good memory?"

"It wasn't a bad one, if that's what you're asking. Actually, it was an okay memory, found it kind of funny how bashful you were, especially around Bobby. And I insisted on giving him a hug before bed."

Dean laughed. "I remember that. The look on his face, I couldn't laugh about it then, but I did later. He didn't know what to do when you ran to him and wrapped yourself around him. He gave me a look, pleading for help, unsure of what he was supposed to do."

Sam laughed at what Dean had said, he could imagine that type of response from Bobby.

"Dad apologized later." Dean admitted.

"What?"

"After he left us with Bobby, he apologized, he said it wasn't fair that he left us with a stranger, that he should have introduced him to us before he just left us, but that he trusted him, and knew we would be safe."

"He apologized?" Sam sounded surprised.

"Yeah, he did that, a few times. More when we were younger. The older we got, I guess he just figured it went without saying. I mean, I know he loved us, I've told you that over and over again, and I honestly don't think he meant to be hateful, but, well, I think he just got too overwhelmed."

Sam just gave Dean a twisted look, he had heard Dean's excuses before.

"Sam, just listen to me, please."

"Okay."

"I saw it, when I was in the light. The feelings, the look in Dad's eyes. He showed so much regret, so much sorrow. It was like it was a feeling of pure overwhelmed, uncertainty, that came from him. I'm sure there was no way in hell that finding out your wife died because of a demon, and then, finding out there's people out there who hunt these demons, and more, that the monsters under the bed are real, and having to figure out how to handle it all, and take care of it, all while raising 2 young boys. I mean, you gotta admit, it wasn't easy for you when you found out, could you imagine being in Dad's shoes and find that out?"

Sam just gave Dean a look of sorrow, understanding what he was saying.

"I promise you, Sam, I felt it, and saw the shame and guilt in his eyes. It was like he didn't want to do the things he did, but… I don't know… like he didn't have a choice. Like, he thought he was really doing what was best. And, I know the alcohol didn't help any, and I'll admit, there were times, I know, I saw pure hatred in his eyes, even maybe a little joy from the pain? But, as a hunter, I think we've all been there before."

"Yeah, I think you're right, we have."

"I mean, who knows, maybe he was possessed by something in those times?"

Sam just shrugged his shoulders.

"But, Sam, I promise you, he loved us, both of us."

"I, honestly, don't doubt, that at some point he loved us more than anything else, but I guess, the hardness of the hunting life changed that."

"Maybe? I mean, we all know how much this life can change us, harden us."

"Yeah."

"Hey, Sam, could you imagine having kids, right now, with us?"

Sam chuckled. "Dude, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have a few kids out there."

"Not funny!"

"Yeah, it's a little funny."

Dean just rolled his eyes. "I mean, could you imagine having to raise a kid, right now, with the life we live and all the crap we've been through over the past few years?"

"I'd imagine it wouldn't be easy."

"Yeah, and I'd imagine it wasn't easy for Dad either."

Sam nodded his head, agreeing with dean's statement.

"Dad wasn't always perfect." Dean continued. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't stop talking, it was like, maybe his body was trying to make sense of everything and thought it had to do something to stay awake.

"He always believed in corporal punishment, I mean, he was a marine, so I guess it came natural. But, he carried some of that over into the family too. And, he always had this anger, that would make me cringe. I never dreamed he would hurt me the way he did, but I was always scared of his anger. So was Mom. She would shy away from him too. I always tried to be there for her, making sure she knew she was loved no matter what."

"Have you always been covering for Dad? Making excuses for him? Cleaning up his messes?"

Dean shrugged. "I guess, if that's the way you want to look at it, but I don't know, I just look at it as being a good son, and loving my family."

"You know that's horse shit, right?"

Dean laughed in his delirious state caused by lack of sleep. "Horse shit? Did Wild Horse shit while he was here?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "And, the fun begins!" He mumbled under his breath.

Sam noticed, Dean's hand raised to the side of his head, and rubbed at this temple, like he was fighting off a headache that was starting. He rubbed the palms of his hands against his eyes, and sighed.

"Getting worse?" Sam questioned.

Dean didn't answer his question, he just gazed off in front of him. "You better get some more sleep while you have the chance." He suggested.

"Getting that bad, huh?"

Dean nodded lightly, before turning to his side and vomiting into the trashcan.

"Any light in there yet?" Sam joked, hoping to lighten things up a little for Dean.

"No, just the darkness." He replied, as he laid his head back against the pillows.

Sam got up, filled Dean's glass again, and gave him some more medicine to help the fever and nausea. After Dean took the meds and drank the water, Sam refilled the glass, offering it to Dean again. He finished half of it before he was finished. Sam filled it the rest of the way and sat it on the table beside Dean before making his way back to the side of the bed that he figured he'd be spending a lot of time at.

"You hungry?" Sam offered, knowing Dean would refuse, and he did. "I'm, uh, I'm getting kinda hungry, you sure you don't want anything?"

Dean shook his head but then realized he had asked Sam not to leave him, which means he hadn't gone anywhere to get anything to eat today either. He suddenly felt guilty for making his brother starve.

"Go, get you something to eat, I'm sure you need the fresh air anyhow."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, and hey, Sam, could you bring me back some Gatorades or something like that? To keep some nutrition in me? And, maybe something cold, like popsicles?"

Sam just smiled at Dean. "Sick, fever induced food, got it, anything else?"

Dean shook his head no and sighed as Sam closed the door behind him. Sam promised he would be as quick as he could, and if Dean needed anything at all, to call him, and he'd come right back. He reminded Dean he was only a phone call away before he left, but it didn't help Dean feel any more secure.

In fact, he felt panic rise in him once his brother was gone. He hadn't noticed how much Sam kept him grounded. How much he needed his little brother right now. He couldn't do this on his own, that he was sure of. He was already starting to find it hard to deal with, and the lack of sleep was looming over him. But, Sam kept him comfortable and gave him security. Security that he wishes was still in the room with him, at that moment.


	11. Chapter 11

**THEN THERE WAS LIGHT**

CHAPTER 11

Dean found it harder and harder to deal with the lack of sleep. He first was delirious, then irritable, then right down angry. His head was pounding, his emotions running wild, he was vomiting, had a fever, the sweat that coated him made him more uncomfortable. He didn't want to think, but that's all he could seem to do. His body ached from the constant trembling and fidgeting.

He would get up, having to pace the room, to release energy, but then would feel dizzy and fall to the floor in a whirlwind of panic. Nothing he tried seemed to help. He even tried to talk to Sammy. To tell him what little he could about the memories flooding his mind, or the feelings he was having, but, with the less sleep he got, the more intertwined it all became.

Dean, found himself, huddled in the corner of the room. Tears streaming down his face, his body shaking, he was laying in a ball with his knees pulled to his chest, fear written all over his face, panic in his eyes.

Sam had just stepped out to get some more food, and a breath of fresh air. He was only gone about 10 minutes and was shocked to find Dean huddled in the corner when he returned.

"Hey, Dean, hey, you okay?"

Sam tried to keep his voice calming, but he hadn't got much sleep either and was starting to feel the effects in his emotions too. He knelt down beside Dean, trying to calm whatever fear he was having.

Dean looked up at him with pain filled eyes, and a desperation in his voice when he spoke. "I just want to die."

"Yeah, well, that's not happening." Sam reassured him. "You can do this, man, you're stronger than this. You, of all the people I've ever met, have the strength and ability to fight this. You're almost done, it's been 4 days already, I'm sure you won't have much longer to go. You just gotta hang in there, okay?"

Dean didn't reply, he just laid there shaking. Sam left him be. There was no point in moving him, he would move himself soon enough. Dean couldn't sit still for longer than a few minutes, no matter what his body was feeling. He was filled with so much restlessness, it was practically impossible for Dean to stay still.

Just like Sam had predicted, Dean was on his feet and pacing the floors again. He would mumble to himself. Sam was sure he was fighting against his own mind, reminding himself it wasn't real, or at least it wasn't real at that moment, that it was just memories and nothing was going to hurt him. A few times, Sam heard Dean yelling at himself, calling himself stupid, like he should know the stuff in his head was nothing to fear, but his mind couldn't wrap itself around it.

Dean's anger had gotten the best of him, he had punched a few holes in the walls, shattered the mirror, threw the tv on the floor, knocked over the table and chairs. Of course, Sam would go behind him, cleaning everything up, making sure all the glass and sharp objects he broke were picked up and not of danger to either of them. All the weapons had been safely put away.

Sam wished there was more he could do, but Dean would push him away any time he tried. So, at this point, all he could do was watch his brother fall to pieces. He figured it wouldn't take him long to wear down, and not be able to fight against Sam's help, but for now, that was not the case.

"Damn it Sam!" Dean shouted. "Why the hell did you do this to me? Why couldn't you just let me go? Any normal person would have let me fall asleep and not wake up, anyone one but you!"

"You'll thank me later." Sam said in an even, calm voice.

"Doubt it!" Dean said as he punched his fist against the wall, then rubbed his hand down his tired face. "I just want to sleep!" Dean's voice was whiney. He was going through so many different emotions at the same time, he honestly didn't know how to respond to anything. He didn't know what tone of voice to use, or how he was supposed to act, so he just let his primal instinct take over.

He paced the floors again, his hands pressed to the sides of his head, trying to keep the pressure at a tolerable level. It continued to grow with each second, like all the memories flooding in were all piling into his head, leaving less and less space for what belonged in there. It was like they were crowding in, pushing their way into his head, with no regard for his discomfort.

Dean, finally, collapsed onto his knees on the floor, between the two beds. He held his head, trying to keep everything from exploding. "Please, tell me it's almost over, Sammy, please!"

"I don't know, Dean. I don't want to lie to you, but Wild Horse said he's seen it last as long as week, and you're in day 5 now, so maybe, 2 more days? If you're lucky?"

"If I'm lucky? What the hell man! If I'm lucky this shit would stop right now!"

"Yeah, that too."

"Yeah, that too." Dean repeated in a mocking voice, not happy with Sam's reply.

He sat on his knees, folding his back so his head was touching his knees, his hands still pressed against his head, but have moved so they were covering his ears as well. He sat like that for a few minutes before speaking. "I need a break, I just need a break. I… I can't do this anymore. I need it to stop, I need a break."

He had lifted his head to look at Sam, his pleading in his eyes matched the sound of begging in his voice. Sam's heart broke. He didn't know what to do. Wild Horse had said this would be the fight of his life, and would be hard, for the both of them, and he was not wrong!

Sam knelt on the floor in front of Dean, taking his head into his hands. "I know you do, but you're doing good, you hear me? You're doing a damn good job! Every day, is a day closer to this being over." He wiped the tears running down Dean's cheeks with his thumbs. "You got this, and I'm right here. I don't know what to do, you gotta tell me what you need, but I'm here, you're not alone, okay?"

Dean lost it, he just broke down, letting the tears fall and his cries go unchecked. He grasped his brother and held onto him, Sam returned the embrace and held his brother in his arms, comforting him as much as he could.

Over the next couple of days, Dean's fever would spike as high as 106 and then would drop all the way to normal. Sam knew that couldn't be good on Dean's body, but then again, neither could the lack of sleep. When his fever was up, he would just lay in bed, moaning and groaning in both, physical and mental, pain. He felt miserable. He just wanted it all to end, he wanted to feel normal again.

When his temperature was normal, he was a jumbled up mess. He would go from being full of rage and anger, to a heaping, crying mess on the floor. He paced the floors until he wore a pathway in the dingy carpet. The nausea and vomiting seemed to come out of nowhere, with no warning. Sometimes he was lucky enough to make it to the bathroom or a trash can, but sometimes he would end up wearing it, and showering the carpet with it. Sam noticed, as day 7 approached, Dean's vomit started looking more normal. He secretly laughed to himself that it was the light coming up now.

Sam took the opportunity, when Dean's fever was high, to catch some sleep. He knew Dean would do nothing but lay there in misery, and there wasn't much he could do about that but make sure he had meds and a drink.

Day 7 came and went, with much disappointment from Sam. Dean had no clue what day it was, but Sam had hoped this day would mark the end of Dean's misery. Day 8 had started and seemed to be the worst yet. Dean's fever read 108, that was way past the point of causing brain damage and febrile seizures. Sam wasn't sure if his body shakes were from a seizure, cold chills, or just the memories floating in his head. Dean was close to being unresponsive, the only thing keeping him conscious was the fact he couldn't fall asleep.

Dean couldn't seem to get out of bed, but also expressed a lot of pinned up energy that he wasn't able to release, just adding to his frustration and misery. He laid, at some points, just screaming in pain and discomfort. Other times, he would cry so hard he would find it hard to breathe.

Sam took his temperature again, it read 109. Sam was getting scared. That was way too high, and none of the medications seemed to be helping. He picked his brother up and laid him in a tub of cold water, wiping his body down with a cool rag.

"You gotta hang in there, you hear me? You got this, you just gotta hang in there." Sam reassured him as he tried to cool him down. He waited 20 minutes, then pulled Dean out of the tub, removing his clothes, drying him off, and putting back on a clean pair of boxers. He figured with his temperature he sure didn't need any clothes on.

He carried him back to the bed, forcing some cold liquids and more medicine down Dean, and laid his head back on the pillow. Dean's eyes showed the evidence of what was going on in his head, his facial expressions would periodically change with the look in his eyes, but the rest of his body remained still, lifeless. He didn't speak, the only noise that came from him were slight whimpers and cries of pain.

Around 30 minutes after cooling Dean in the tub and forcing more liquids and meds into him, Sam took his temperature again. He was pleased to see that it had dropped to 106.5. That was better. Still dangerously high, but anything less than what it was, was an accomplishment. He sat on the edge of Dean's bed, wiping his hair from his forehead, using a wet, cool cloth to keep his head, face, and arms cool, hoping it would bring down his fever more.

As the day wore on, it seemed to be the longest day of Sam's life. He was so scared for his brother. His brother who showed little signs of life. As night approached, he took his temperature for what seemed like the 100th time, and found it to be a low temp of 90.4. He could deal with that. That was almost normal, and he figured in a short time it would be normal again. Dean still didn't show any improvement with his activity or signs of life, even with the fever back down.

Sam started to wonder if it had caused him brain damage, but looking into Dean's eyes, seeing everything that was happening in his head through his eyes, ruled that thought out. He supposed everything had just become too overwhelming for his body to be able to handle.

"You're doing good. You got this. I'm right here with you, you're not alone. Just keep fighting."

Sam repeated over and over through the day, trying to comfort his brother and reassure him.

Sam had noticed, Dean's breathing had calmed and evened out. The look in his eyes started to calm as well. His facial expressions went blank. For a moment, he recognized Sam. He took a couple blinks, staring at him, completely emotionless, and motionless. Then, his eyes drifted closed.

"Dean?"

Dean didn't reply. His body had gone limp, his heart beat had returned to normal as well as his breathing. His eyes were closed. For the first time in 8 days, they were finally closed. Dean appeared to be… sleeping?

Wild Horse had said once it ran its course, Dean would fall asleep. It would take as long as it needed, but in the end, he would sleep. And, this sleep would be safe.

With that knowledge, and the fact he was sure Dean was actually asleep, he laid beside his brother, wiping the sweat from his brow one last time. And Sam laid his head on his pillows, placing an arm over Dean's chest, making sure he could feel his brother breathing, and closed his eyes. It only took a moment before the need for sleep overcame the need to protect his brother, and both brothers slept.


End file.
